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Excellent advice Roto! And to the OP. I know how you feel about being lied to. My stbx has given me the same line. ’I haven’t loved you in the last 10 years’. He waited until he found a new shack-up honey to be truthful to me about this, and to leave me. It is like a blow to the gut, that takes a lot of time and effort to get over. Best of luck to you. And do give some thought to what Rotochicken has to say. Cal~
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Klink, So sorry to hear it. You military boys have it rough trying to keep you commitments to god and country and to your families. That is why I have tremendous respect for military wives who are able to hold down the fort. Your case may simply be a casualty of the military lifestyle. I am sure you know it happens all the time. I am not clear, are you looking for advice on how to get divorced and what the laws are? Or on what you should do? 90% of the time I am against divorce as an answer to problems. It usually just makes things worse and more complicated. When you have kids you don’t ever "get rid" of the person you just make a lifelong enemy who takes your money and shows up all the time. So on that premise: You have a lot of suspicions. If your wrong you could be making a big mistake. Deal with what you know to be true, in doing that the facts will come out and either prove or disprove your suspicions. Problems that you know to be true: Lying. Although it happens it is never acceptable. Trust is key to all healthy marriages. Commitment. She wants to divorce as a solution to what? What are her grievances? She feels abandoned. Trapped by responsibly to children a home and a man who she sees doesn’t love her. No sex. Intimacy is key to all healthy marriages. Suicide. Depending on the details this is a sign of someone crying out or serious mental illness. Which do you think it is? What are your problems: Grievance because she denies you her body in intimacy. (A valid grievance. But this is par for the course for those suffering depression.) Grievance towards hers because she doesn’t work. (getting a job in a foreign country can be prohibitive even for the most naturalized. Couple that with depression. na ga da.) Grievance towards hers because she doesn’t keep house well. ( People in depression rarely do.) I don’t think this thing has to be over Klink. Your wife is sick and needs some help. She can get better and get past this. Focus on getting her better and then see what you can do about the two of you. If you can re-establish trust between you and her and re-commit to making it work you can a VERY strong future. You owe it to your kids and yourself to try. It may take some work and serious life and career changes. How far are you willing to go. If you get a divorce it WILL take some work and serious life and career changes. And no I don’t think you can sue for damages. She will be forever tied to your wallet because of those two kids. I once suffered severe depression and got through it without medication. My wife has been through severe depression and been on medication. She has since worked through it. And is a busy emotionally stable person. So it can be done. Your in my prayers, Roto
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To make a long story short……wife is a German citizen, I’m an Active Duty Military Member. I have been in stationed in Korea for 10 months. My Christmas gift from my wife of 8 years is she told me she has been lied to me for the past 8 years that she has never loved me, and wants a divorce. We have two kids, 6 and 7 yo. Spouse has never earned a dime since we got married. I suspect she has had an affair…she denies. She doesn’t want to go to back to Germany….wants to stay here in states. I suspect she has been neglecting both my boys. I came home on emergency leave without her knowing. House was trashed. She attempted to kill herself in Sept. She has told me she doesn’t want the kids 24 hours a day 7 days a week and has agreed to give me physical custody of the boys. I need any advice on what I can do? I want to get rid of her, but don’t want to loose everything I have worked for the past 13 years. We live in Virginia. Does anyone know if I’m entitled to any damages for her lying to me for 8 years? She has not made love to me since our second son was conceived (about 6 years). I have been a good husband……don’t drink, smoke, come right home after work, always doing stuff with my kids. Any advice anybody could give me would be appreciated.
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Klink, So sorry to hear it. You military boys have it rough trying to keep you commitments to god and country and to your families. That is why I have tremendous respect for military wives who are able to hold down the fort. Your case may simply be a casualty of the military lifestyle. I am sure you know it happens all the time. I am not clear, are you looking for advice on how to get divorced and what the laws are? Or on what you should do? 90% of the time I am against divorce as an answer to problems. It usually just makes things worse and more complicated. When you have kids you don’t ever "get rid" of the person you just make a lifelong enemy who takes your money and shows up all the time. So on that premise: You have a lot of suspicions. If your wrong you could be making a big mistake. Deal with what you know to be true, in doing that the facts will come out and either prove or disprove your suspicions. Problems that you know to be true: Lying. Although it happens it is never acceptable. Trust is key to all healthy marriages. Commitment. She wants to divorce as a solution to what? What are her grievances? She feels abandoned. Trapped by responsibly to children a home and a man who she sees doesn’t love her. No sex. Intimacy is key to all healthy marriages. Suicide. Depending on the details this is a sign of someone crying out or serious mental illness. Which do you think it is? What are your problems: Grievance because she denies you her body in intimacy. (A valid grievance. But this is par for the course for those suffering depression.) Grievance towards hers because she doesn’t work. (getting a job in a foreign country can be prohibitive even for the most naturalized. Couple that with depression. na ga da.) Grievance towards hers because she doesn’t keep house well. ( People in depression rarely do.) I don’t think this thing has to be over Klink. Your wife is sick and needs some help. She can get better and get past this. Focus on getting her better and then see what you can do about the two of you. If you can re-establish trust between you and her and re-commit to making it work you can a VERY strong future. You owe it to your kids and yourself to try. It may take some work and serious life and career changes. How far are you willing to go. If you get a divorce it WILL take some work and serious life and career changes. And no I don’t think you can sue for damages. She will be forever tied to your wallet because of those two kids. I once suffered severe depression and got through it without medication. My wife has been through severe depression and been on medication. She has since worked through it. And is a busy emotionally stable person. So it can be done. Your in my prayers, Roto
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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Problems that you know to be true: Lying. Although it happens it is never acceptable. Trust is key to all healthy marriages. Commitment. She wants to divorce as a solution to what? What are her grievances? She feels abandoned. Trapped by responsibly to children a home and a man who she sees doesn’t love her. No sex. Intimacy is key to all healthy marriages. Suicide. Depending on the details this is a sign of someone crying out or serious mental illness. Which do you think it is? What are your problems: Grievance because she denies you her body in intimacy. (A valid grievance. But this is par for the course for those suffering depression.) Grievance towards hers because she doesn’t work. (getting a job in a foreign country can be prohibitive even for the most naturalized. Couple that with depression. na ga da.) Grievance towards hers because she doesn’t keep house well. ( People in depression rarely do.) I don’t think this thing has to be over Klink. Your wife is sick and needs some help. She can get better and get past this. Focus on getting her better and then see what you can do about the two of you. If you can re-establish trust between you and her and re-commit to making it work you can a VERY strong future. You owe it to your kids and yourself to try. It may take some work and serious life and career changes. How far are you willing to go. If you get a divorce it WILL take some work and serious life and career changes. And no I don’t think you can sue for damages. She will be forever tied to your wallet because of those two kids. I once suffered severe depression and got through it without medication. My wife has been through severe depression and been on medication. She has since worked through it. And is a busy emotionally stable person. So it can be done.
I do think Roto is very likely right; even her saying that she has never loved you could be an example of distorted or all-or-nothing thinking often found in depression…..The reason I know is that I have been through depression and my husband has had both manic and depressed episodes and one of the most devastating times of my marriage was when he was so depressed he didn’t care about anything-and would go out of his way to say hurtful things to me-including that he had just been lying to me about various things. Midnight One
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5 months after my divorce, 14 months after the seperation, I still sometimes go in to the "if I would have done this, or that” mode. It’s not as bad as it used to be, and I’m not drinking myself to sleep every night. I’m back to being my own self, except I’m a bit lonely, and I don’t socialize too much. I did the rebound girlfriend thing, and I would like to find a nice person to spend time with, but I’m just lost as to wear to start. Is what’s happening to me normal? I was married for 12 years. Are thoughts still going to be popping into my head?
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1st– You’ve got a great handle. I wish I’d thought of that. 2nd– Its 18mos. post separation, 15mos. post-divorce for me. Yes, what you’re feeling is perfectly normal and expected. I’d did some 2nd guessing, but if I catch myself, I start this tape in my head: "Don’t go there. It gets you nowhere. It leads to the dark side. You’ve started a new life. Its okay to be sadder, but wiser." 3rd– The temptation to jump into a new relationship can be strong, but is important to heal your emotional wounds first. I found that by being up front about my need to take things slow and grow into my new life, my female acquaintenances were more comfortable about forming a frienship and dating casually. They eemed to respect me for that. A friend bought me a copy of "Dating for Dummies." Its a hoot, but practical. Hang in there. ===Rog’===
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – 5 months after my divorce, 14 months after the seperation, I still sometimes go in to the "if I would have done this, or that” mode. It’s not as bad as it used to be, and I’m not drinking myself to sleep every night. I’m back to being my own self, except I’m a bit lonely, and I don’t socialize too much. I did the rebound girlfriend thing, and I would like to find a nice person to spend time with, but I’m just lost as to wear to start. Is what’s happening to me normal? I was married for 12 years. Are thoughts still going to be popping into my head?
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Get over it.
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Good Advice MaryLou….LOLOLOL
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Get over it.
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Does anyone here feel that putting aside your own needs and safety is preferable to a divorce no matter how neat and nice or messy and nasty? Yes…..and no. Depends. Safety? If you’re in a physically abusive relationship, then get out. I don’t know of *anyone* here that would say ‘So what if she/he hits you. You stay because you promised to.’
Curiously, abuse is not listed in the Bible as a reason to get divorced … though I don’t know of a church which would not suggest (or at least accept) divorce if someone were in that situation. — "The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity." – Harlan Ellison
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Are you referring to the Old Testament or the New Testament? What is listed as a reason for divorce? In Judaism a woman can divorce her husband if he does not sexually satisfy her. (however he does not have the same right) Does anyone here feel that putting aside your own needs and safety is preferable to a divorce no matter how neat and nice or messy and nasty? Yes…..and no. Depends. Safety? If you’re in a physically abusive relationship, then get out. I don’t know of *anyone* here that would say ‘So what if she/he hits you. You stay because you promised to.’ Curiously, abuse is not listed in the Bible as a reason to get divorced … though I don’t know of a church which would not suggest (or at least accept) divorce if someone were in that situation.
– nessa — patience is a virture I am not a virtious woman
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No everyone is Christian or follow those believes. Every form of spirituality provides for a bond/partnership/marriage in some sort of way. Everyone as their own definition of what this constitutes. Some people follow society’s view of this (usually what the ‘church’ says), others have a more progressive view of what these are. A person lives by their own code. If you can’t live within your own code, then you change something and not be afraid of change. Embrace it and stare it in the eye. It will provide pain, but pain goes away through forgiveness of oneself or another. It is better than living in fear of what society thinks is right (staying in a marriage just because you made a vow – God forgives if we break a vow correct?).
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Maybe maybe not. people grow. In a marriage, though you are supposed to work out differences. Divorces are too easy to get these days. Do you go to Church? I wonder how many people "need their space" or get divorced if they are regular Church members. The ten commandments, were not in case you needed help.
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– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Does anyone here feel that putting aside your own needs and safety is preferable to a divorce no matter how neat and nice or messy and nasty? Yes…..and no. Depends. Safety? If you’re in a physically abusive relationship, then get out. I don’t know of *anyone* here that would say ‘So what if she/he hits you. You stay because you promised to.’ Curiously, abuse is not listed in the Bible as a reason to get divorced … though I don’t know of a church which would not suggest (or at least accept) divorce if someone were in that situation.
You are right, Abuse is not specifically mentioned in the Bible as a reason for divorce. Many people think the Bible only allows divorce in cases of adultery. Others also see where a divorce is allowed if their unbelieving spouse wants out. But the one that many people miss in the Bible is divorce is allowed in cases of abandonment. This is the issue that gets very confusing and a lot of people tend to blow it out of proportion. A spouse who is repeatedly and unrepentatively physically abusive HAS abandoned the covenant made in the marriage. In this case the abuser has sinned by ending the marriage, but is commanded to give a writing of divorcement to the spouse so that the spouse can be set free from his/her obligation. Abandonment is not specifically limited to physical desertion, but can also include emotional desertion. Most Biblical scholars and theologians agree on this. But what is tragic is the ridiculous excuses made by people in a attempt to justify their divorce under this idea of an emotional abandonment. I’ve heard people say things like, "since he doesn’t help around the house enough he has emotional left the marriage." That’s utter nonsense as these are issues that can and should be worked out between the spouses. Many theologians have tried to detail those valid reasons for claiming abandonment, but it is difficult to make a strict list. But those people also agree that the valid reasons are VERY limited. They are pretty much all in agreement that repeated physical abuse does fall under this principle. This emotional abandonment is exactly what is being spoken about when Jesus mentions the "hardening of your hearts". I don’t have the exact details here with me right now, but will post them if anyone’s interested, but I found it quite interesting to learn the root of the word "divorce". It originally came from the Greek word (if I remember right) for "desertion". This is intriguing once you think about how most societies have allowed the execution of deserters! So, since "deserters will be shot", and "divorce" means "desertion", what should be done with those that leave a marriage without just cause? <g
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Curiously, abuse is not listed in the Bible as a reason to get divorced … though I don’t know of a church which would not suggest (or at least accept) divorce if someone were in that situation.
The Catholic Church accepts separation in that situation, but not divorce. PK
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Hi Nessa (I think it’s a neat name),
Thank you. I do too (maybe why I changed it at the same time I separated from the first husband) <g I don’t think there’s a blanket answer. I don’t think anybody wants to remain in a relationship that is harmful, but some people forget that
Well let’s define harmful. Do you mean harmful physically? I can see harmful as an emotional or mental issue as well. there are two ways to remedy such a situation: Leave the harmful relationship, or find a way to make the relationship not harmful. I think most people would agree that the latter is preferable, but unfortunately, it is not always possible. Where most differences
Yes if you can manage to switch over to a non harmful relationship. Problem is if one partner wants to change and the other does not. Even if you want to make it work, it takes two to tango. arise, I think, is when the two people have different thresholds as far as "what is harmful" (Of course if there is a danger to life or limb, then obviously one should extract oneself from the situation immediately), and also the length of time they are willing to put into trying to fix the relationship.
yes the danger to life and limb is critical but so is the danger to self identity. and if you are going to try to make it work, you have to set guidelines and timel imits. (Hmmm, that answer looks funny. I hope it makes sense <g) Tony
yeppers. oh and I love the sig. — "Crying is not a sign of weakness, it is a show of strength!"
– Nessa — If trains stop at trains stations, what happens at work stations?
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Absolutely. I feel that if you can not love yourself, respect yourself and care for yourself, how in the world can do give those to another. Things like honor, are a big part. If you are not true to the love then you are not honorable in your relationship. If I am not honorable then I can’t love myself. Therefore, I can’t love another in that way. Staying in a marriage for the wrong reasons is just prolonging the inevitable. One of the parties will eventually go outside the marriage. I would rather end it before that kind of pain is inflicted.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Almost sounds like the Stokholm syndrome. You learn to side with the enemy captor. Does anyone here feel that putting aside your own needs and safety is preferable to a divorce no matter how neat and nice or messy and nasty? Wow do you have a macro that types this? Hello? sickness and health for better or worse? Where is the committment you made on your wedding day? I admitt that I have been really pissed off at my wife, but 17 years later we still are together. There are people in this newsgroup that seem to value remaining married above any other consideration of physical or mental health. It’s just something to get used to. — nessa — If a person with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
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Hi Nessa (I think it’s a neat name), I don’t think there’s a blanket answer. I don’t think anybody wants to remain in a relationship that is harmful, but some people forget that there are two ways to remedy such a situation: Leave the harmful relationship, or find a way to make the relationship not harmful. I think most people would agree that the latter is preferable, but unfortunately, it is not always possible. Where most differences arise, I think, is when the two people have different thresholds as far as "what is harmful" (Of course if there is a danger to life or limb, then obviously one should extract oneself from the situation immediately), and also the length of time they are willing to put into trying to fix the relationship. (Hmmm, that answer looks funny. I hope it makes sense <g) Tony — "Crying is not a sign of weakness, it is a show of strength!"
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Almost sounds like the Stokholm syndrome. You learn to side with the enemy captor. Does anyone here feel that putting aside your own needs and safety is preferable to a divorce no matter how neat and nice or messy and nasty? Nessa Wow do you have a macro that types this? Hello? sickness and health for better or worse? Where is the committment you made on your wedding day? I admitt that I have been really pissed off at my wife, but 17 years later we still are together. There are people in this newsgroup that seem to value remaining married above any other consideration of physical or mental health. It’s just something to get used to. — nessa — If a person with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
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Thanks for the good word Daisy 
I’ve been known to be a bit … hmm… unique euphemisms… gotta love ‘em — freak – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – (((welcome))) to the group freak!! Daisy (I doubt that you are really a freak!)
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Wow do you have a macro that types this? Hello? sickness and health for better or worse? Where is the committment you made on your wedding day? I admitt that I have been really pissed off at my wife, but 17 years later we still are together.
– nessa — If a person with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
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Maybe maybe not. people grow. In a marriage, though you are supposed to work out differences. Divorces are too easy to get these days. Do you go to Church? I wonder how many people "need their space" or get divorced if they are regular Church members. The ten commandments, were not in case you needed help.
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Hello? sickness and health for better or worse? Where is the committment you made on your wedding day? I admitt that I have been really pissed off at my wife, but 17 years later we still are together.
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Wow do you have a macro that types this? Hello? sickness and health for better or worse? Where is the committment you made on your wedding day? I admitt that I have been really pissed off at my wife, but 17 years later we still are together.
There are people in this newsgroup that seem to value remaining married above any other consideration of physical or mental health. It’s just something to get used to. — "The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity." – Harlan Ellison
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Almost sounds like the Stokholm syndrome. You learn to side with the enemy captor. Does anyone here feel that putting aside your own needs and safety is preferable to a divorce no matter how neat and nice or messy and nasty? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Wow do you have a macro that types this? Hello? sickness and health for better or worse? Where is the committment you made on your wedding day? I admitt that I have been really pissed off at my wife, but 17 years later we still are together. There are people in this newsgroup that seem to value remaining married above any other consideration of physical or mental health. It’s just something to get used to.
– nessa — If a person with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
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Does anyone here feel that putting aside your own needs and safety is preferable to a divorce no matter how neat and nice or messy and nasty?
Yes…..and no. Depends. Safety? If you’re in a physically abusive relationship, then get out. I don’t know of *anyone* here that would say ‘So what if she/he hits you. You stay because you promised to.’ Putting aside your own needs is more nebulous to me. There are all sorts of options available other than ‘remain married and my needs are unfilled, get divorced and try to get them filled then’. Teaching your spouse what you want from them. Lowering your expectations on how well your spouse can fill your needs. Getting your needs filled outside of the marriage (and, it goes without saying, without damaging your marriage/relationship.) What also has to be discussed is what constitute ‘needs’. Do I ‘need’ adult conversation? Yep, or I become a stark, raving, lunatic bitch from hell. Does that mean that I can only get that need filled by my husband? Nope and I can get it filled *without endangering my marriage.* IMO, it’s fairly rare that another person can fill our every need every second of every day. If you’re depending on your spouse to do that for you, I think that’s a lot of pressure to put on someone. And I don’t think it’s all that realistic either. — Tracey —– "All a parent, *any* parent, can do is give it their best shot, right or wrong. The actual outcome rests on so many variables, no single person can assume responsibility, blame or praise for whatever happens…. We’ve got to remember not to try to shoulder the blame for what other people do…." –Aahz–
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I agree that the definition of ‘need’ is ambigious. Let’s see if we can pin this down. Of course physical safety is mandatory as a need. I personally think that emotional abuse and mental abuse are also situations that a person needs to escape (although I am sure there are people who will disagree). Personally I feel that emotional abuse is more damaging since it is harder to realize you are being abused and it’s harder to get validation since no one else can see it unless the spouse does it in public. (which my first husband did) Need what about the need for trust? I need to trust my spouse and to havec my spouse trust me. Since intellectual stimulation is critical for me I would need that to some extent frommy spouse. Since I am aware of that, I would never attempt to marry someone who could not fufill this need for me. (and I never have- both husbands are incredibly bright) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Does anyone here feel that putting aside your own needs and safety is preferable to a divorce no matter how neat and nice or messy and nasty? Yes…..and no. Depends. Safety? If you’re in a physically abusive relationship, then get out. I don’t know of *anyone* here that would say ‘So what if she/he hits you. You stay because you promised to.’ Putting aside your own needs is more nebulous to me. There are all sorts of options available other than ‘remain married and my needs are unfilled, get divorced and try to get them filled then’. Teaching your spouse what you want from them. Lowering your expectations on how well your spouse can fill your needs. Getting your needs filled outside of the marriage (and, it goes without saying, without damaging your marriage/relationship.) What also has to be discussed is what constitute ‘needs’. Do I ‘need’ adult conversation? Yep, or I become a stark, raving, lunatic bitch from hell. Does that mean that I can only get that need filled by my husband? Nope and I can get it filled *without endangering my marriage.* IMO, it’s fairly rare that another person can fill our every need every second of every day. If you’re depending on your spouse to do that for you, I think that’s a lot of pressure to put on someone. And I don’t think it’s all that realistic either.
– Nessa — What if the hokey Pokey is really what it’s all about
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(((welcome))) to the group freak!! Daisy (I doubt that you are really a freak!) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – wow… sounds like a touchy situation. I’m new to this group… Actually this is my first post, so I hope noone minds. I have my own questions, but I’d like to answer yours. I would suggest that you let her go and not press making the marriage work. Failed(ing) marriages can work (I’ve seen it happen) if both parties are equally commited to making it happen. Sounds to me like there’s no equal commitment to making it work. Pressure can only make things worse. Desperation will only put you in a position that’s probably going to harm you emotionally. Give her the space she wants. Maybe she responds sometimes with the tenderness that you miss, but that doesn’t mean, necessarily that she wants to stay married to you. In the extreme… civility shouldn’t be mistaken for love. Noone likes to feel like they have to be somewhere they don’t want to be. I would have to suggest putting her in that position. I’m sure you wouldn’t do this, but please don’t try to use the kids as a bargaining chip. That’s bad news all around. Anyway… just my opinion. Take it or leave it. l8r I’ll make this short…..married 12 years, 2 kids. I’m sort of reserved, not outgoing, prone to fits of anger. She is outgoing, social. After 12 years, over something very trivial (I call it the wet towel syndrom), she finally cracked and told me she doesn’t love me anymore….I beg….call for the next 5 days……only makes it worse. We have made no attempt at counseling together at this point. She says she has been thinking this way for months now. She has told me that times before when we were seperated (not by marriage, by a job that I had), she felt better, but I don’t believe that is true. Once, while we were seperated for 8 months, I flew home unannounced to suprise her (I was 6k miles a way), and we had a fabulous time. Lately, we have been growing apart, but I don’t want to lose her. I am going to anger counseling, and she is going to her own counseling, seperate from mine. She says she needs her space, says she doesn’t have that emotional attachment to me anymore, but recently I went over to my friends house to basically drink my pain away, and the next day she calls my friend to ask about me. He mentions to her that we need space and perhaps have a date later on……she wasn’t against it. When I pressure her (our seperation only happened 9 days ago), she goes back to the "I don’t love you, give me space" routine. Why would she have called my friend? What should I do as a man? Do women want men to beg them, or just stand up and leave em alone? I went out and got contact lenses, and am going to start working out in ernest to improve my looks.. It’s so hard to give her space, because I love her so much….last time I talked to her, she said calling her is making it worse…. Is there hope? — -Chuck http://home.earthlink.net/~simpledog/
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I think there may be hope, if you try and find out just what the reason is for her leaving. Fits of anger could have alot to do with it. Have you two considered going to counseling to try and make things work? Good Luck. Daisy
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’ll make this short…..married 12 years, 2 kids. I’m sort of reserved, not outgoing, prone to fits of anger. She is outgoing, social. After 12 years, over something very trivial (I call it the wet towel syndrom), she finally cracked and told me she doesn’t love me anymore….I beg….call for the next 5 days……only makes it worse. We have made no attempt at counseling together at this point. She says she has been thinking this way for months now. She has told me that times before when we were seperated (not by marriage, by a job that I had), she felt better, but I don’t believe that is true. Once, while we were seperated for 8 months, I flew home unannounced to suprise her (I was 6k miles a way), and we had a fabulous time. Lately, we have been growing apart, but I don’t want to lose her. I am going to anger counseling, and she is going to her own counseling, seperate from mine. She says she needs her space, says she doesn’t have that emotional attachment to me anymore, but recently I went over to my friends house to basically drink my pain away, and the next day she calls my friend to ask about me. He mentions to her that we need space and perhaps have a date later on……she wasn’t against it. When I pressure her (our seperation only happened 9 days ago), she goes back to the "I don’t love you, give me space" routine. Why would she have called my friend? What should I do as a man? Do women want men to beg them, or just stand up and leave em alone? I went out and got contact lenses, and am going to start working out in ernest to improve my looks.. It’s so hard to give her space, because I love her so much….last time I talked to her, she said calling her is making it worse…. Is there hope? — -Chuck http://home.earthlink.net/~simpledog/
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I’ll make this short…..married 12 years, 2 kids. I’m sort of reserved, not outgoing, prone to fits of anger.
Add the fits of anger to the "drinking my pain away" and toss in a nickname of "vodkabreath", and I’m thinking that your marriage must have been a pretty volatile place. What’s her incentive to come home? Anger counseling is good, but basically useless if heavy use of alcohol is a factor in your life. Make a committment to reduce the alcohol consumption (or eliminate it entirely if you suspect you are an alcoholic), continue the anger counseling, and you may be able to salvage the marriage. My advice as a woman–don’t beg. And for right now, don’t call. I’m not saying don’t EVER call, just not right now. Think long and hard about your part in all this, and hopefully she is doing the same. Stay in contact with the kids, but for goodness sake CONTROL YOUR ANGER around them. Not only is it scary for kids when Dad gets out of control with anger, but your wife could very likely limit or eliminate completely your contact with them if she feels that they’re not safe with you. Take care, Lauri in WA My real address is lauri AT crcwnet DOT com
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wow… sounds like a touchy situation. I’m new to this group… Actually this is my first post, so I hope noone minds. I have my own questions, but I’d like to answer yours. I would suggest that you let her go and not press making the marriage work. Failed(ing) marriages can work (I’ve seen it happen) if both parties are equally commited to making it happen. Sounds to me like there’s no equal commitment to making it work. Pressure can only make things worse. Desperation will only put you in a position that’s probably going to harm you emotionally. Give her the space she wants. Maybe she responds sometimes with the tenderness that you miss, but that doesn’t mean, necessarily that she wants to stay married to you. In the extreme… civility shouldn’t be mistaken for love. Noone likes to feel like they have to be somewhere they don’t want to be. I would have to suggest putting her in that position. I’m sure you wouldn’t do this, but please don’t try to use the kids as a bargaining chip. That’s bad news all around. Anyway… just my opinion. Take it or leave it. l8r – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’ll make this short…..married 12 years, 2 kids. I’m sort of reserved, not outgoing, prone to fits of anger. She is outgoing, social. After 12 years, over something very trivial (I call it the wet towel syndrom), she finally cracked and told me she doesn’t love me anymore….I beg….call for the next 5 days……only makes it worse. We have made no attempt at counseling together at this point. She says she has been thinking this way for months now. She has told me that times before when we were seperated (not by marriage, by a job that I had), she felt better, but I don’t believe that is true. Once, while we were seperated for 8 months, I flew home unannounced to suprise her (I was 6k miles a way), and we had a fabulous time. Lately, we have been growing apart, but I don’t want to lose her. I am going to anger counseling, and she is going to her own counseling, seperate from mine. She says she needs her space, says she doesn’t have that emotional attachment to me anymore, but recently I went over to my friends house to basically drink my pain away, and the next day she calls my friend to ask about me. He mentions to her that we need space and perhaps have a date later on……she wasn’t against it. When I pressure her (our seperation only happened 9 days ago), she goes back to the "I don’t love you, give me space" routine. Why would she have called my friend? What should I do as a man? Do women want men to beg them, or just stand up and leave em alone? I went out and got contact lenses, and am going to start working out in ernest to improve my looks.. It’s so hard to give her space, because I love her so much….last time I talked to her, she said calling her is making it worse…. Is there hope? — -Chuck http://home.earthlink.net/~simpledog/
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I’ll make this short…..married 12 years, 2 kids. I’m sort of reserved, not outgoing, prone to fits of anger. She is outgoing, social. After 12 years, over something very trivial (I call it the wet towel syndrom), she finally cracked and told me she doesn’t love me anymore….
I’d hardly call it trivial if she left you because of it. I beg….call for the next 5 days……only makes it worse. We have made no attempt at counseling together at this point. She says she has been thinking this way for months now.
Didn’t it ever occur to you that your being "prone to fits of anger" might someday drive your wife away? She has told me that times before when we were seperated (not by marriage, by a job that I had), she felt better, but I don’t believe that is true.
Why not? Why would she lie to you? Once, while we were seperated for 8 months, I flew home unannounced to suprise her (I was 6k miles a way), and we had a fabulous time.
That’s called sex, lust, missing someone. Lately, we have been growing apart, but I don’t want to lose her. I am going to anger counseling, and she is going to her own counseling, seperate from mine. She says she needs her space, says she doesn’t have that emotional attachment to me anymore, but recently I went over to my friends house to basically drink my pain away, and the next day she calls my friend to ask about me. He mentions to her that we need space and perhaps have a date later on……she wasn’t against it. When I pressure her (our seperation only happened 9 days ago), she goes back to the "I don’t love you, give me space" routine. Why would she have called my friend?
Just because she may not want to be married to you any longer doesn’t mean she doesn’t care at all about you. What should I do as a man? Do women want men to beg them, or just stand up and leave em alone?
Desperate isn’t attractive in any adult. Court her. Be very attentive to your children. Neglecting them right now will look like you don’t care about them. I went out and got contact lenses, and am going to start working out in ernest to improve my looks..
Looks are fine, but improving you on the inside will have the most impact. Who were you when the two of you were courting? Sometimes we forget who we are and just let routine take over. It’s so hard to give her space, because I love her so much….last time I talked to her, she said calling her is making it worse…. Is there hope?
Sounds like there MAY be. — VLH To E-mail Me – http://scican.net/~haxton/email.htm Web Site Designs – http://scican.net/~haxton/wsd Personal Web Page – http://scican.net/~haxton Quilters Guild of Indianapolis, Inc.Web Site – http://scican.net/~haxton/QGI/ RTCQ Web Site – http://scican.net/~haxton/RCTQ
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I’ll make this short…..married 12 years, 2 kids. I’m sort of reserved, not outgoing, prone to fits of anger. She is outgoing, social. After 12 years, over something very trivial (I call it the wet towel syndrom), she finally cracked and told me she doesn’t love me anymore….I beg….call for the next 5 days……only makes it worse. We have made no attempt at counseling together at this point. She says she has been thinking this way for months now. She has told me that times before when we were seperated (not by marriage, by a job that I had), she felt better, but I don’t believe that is true. Once, while we were seperated for 8 months, I flew home unannounced to suprise her (I was 6k miles a way), and we had a fabulous time. Lately, we have been growing apart, but I don’t want to lose her. I am going to anger counseling, and she is going to her own counseling, seperate from mine. She says she needs her space, says she doesn’t have that emotional attachment to me anymore, but recently I went over to my friends house to basically drink my pain away, and the next day she calls my friend to ask about me. He mentions to her that we need space and perhaps have a date later on……she wasn’t against it. When I pressure her (our seperation only happened 9 days ago), she goes back to the "I don’t love you, give me space" routine. Why would she have called my friend? What should I do as a man? Do women want men to beg them, or just stand up and leave em alone? I went out and got contact lenses, and am going to start working out in ernest to improve my looks.. It’s so hard to give her space, because I love her so much….last time I talked to her, she said calling her is making it worse…. Is there hope? — -Chuck http://home.earthlink.net/~simpledog/
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Unfortunately, no matter whether you live inthe US or Canada or wherever else, the courts are always biased towards mothers. Moms can do almost anything and get away with it. Moms get custody of kids almost exclusively and hardly ever is there a glance given to the dads in regards to custody or joint custody. It’s awful. I am a biological mom who is the commonlaw wife of my daughters dad (we plan to marry next year). I would never even think of separating our daughter from daddy if we ever split up and I can definately say that for sure. I am also a step-mom to a 8 year old boy and I know the hassles and grief the ex-wife put my husband through. Not pretty. I saw the hurt for the past 6 1/2 years. We tried to get joint custody but the judge said no because they could not get along but as far as I ever saw it, she was the one not getting along. She was living on welfare, shacking up with every guy she took a shine to. She has never held a steady job, place of residence changes more often than not, lets druggies move in with her and the child, etc. She has never lived with just her and the child….always someone sleeping on the couch. My husband and I have been together for 6 1/2 years, we have a 2 year old daughter of our own, we own a nice house which we have been in now for 4 years, which is now up for sale so we can move. Husband is attending University in Sept. to better himself and give us all a better future (Electronics Engineer BA program). We plan on buying another house as soon as this one sells and we’ll be there for at least 4 – 6 years. We have plans for the future. We have never had any boarders and have never would. We are a full family unit. Stable! But still, no joint custody for us because "she’s the mother…nurturing…" yeah right. All I have to say is, if she leaves…get a MEAN lawyer and fight til the bitter end for anything you can get and keep on fightin. We’re planning on going for full custody once my husband finishes school and gets a job…and then look out ex-wife…we’ll either get custody or go broke tryin. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hey folks, we’ve been married less than two years, have one child, and own a home (which was purchased soley based on my financial status) she claims she can take my child and go back to her hometown and there isn’t a damned thing I can do about it. Any advice on the legality of this? It sounds like desertion to me.
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Hey folks, we’ve been married less than two years, have one child, and own a home (which was purchased soley based on my financial status) she claims she can take my child and go back to her hometown and there isn’t a damned thing I can do about it. Any advice on the legality of this? It sounds like desertion to me.
She can probably get away with it, but you have to FIGHT for your child. It is despicable for a person to take a child away from a parent. Fight with everything you have. Life does not give itself to one who tries to keep all of it’s advantages at once.
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Hey folks, we’ve been married less than two years, have one child, and own a home (which was purchased soley based on my financial status) she claims she can take my child and go back to her hometown and there isn’t a damned thing I can do about it. Any advice on the legality of this? It sounds like desertion to me.
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Pamela, Yes that is pretty much what happened. I had no attorney on court date and I don’t know the legal statutes and stuff. I thought I had a lawyer coming into court so I was totally unprepared to represent myself. I am now in a different county however I believe I have to file in the original county. I finally have enough saved up to get a good lawyer and pursue. I want someone who will put my ex in his place. I not a person who likes revenge, however my ex has put me through hell the last year so I hope the lawyer can say things to make him think about it. Thank you for your advice. Jennifer
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Jennifer, If you had sole legal custody, then I don’t see how he could prevent you from moving anywhere. Seems weird that a judge would allow him unsupervised visitation with this history, at least at first. But, how you could lose sole legal custody once awarded, especially with his background is bizarre, unless you voluntarily gave it up. Maybe you got railroaded into agreeing to all of this. Think you need an attorney to sort it all out. Good luck to you, and to your daughter. Pamela Please read my other response to Kath. I couldn’t move out of state without his permission and since I didn’t have it the child stays in the state they are listed as a resident. That is what I was told and since I didn’t have an attorney I didn’t know if it was true or not. Jennifer message Hello. I am new to this newsgroup however I have been divorced for almost 8 years. I have a 9 year old daughter in which I had full legal and sole physical custody of until last year. Her father had made no contact for about 7 years and began writing to her. My new husband and I were having financial difficulties and thought he had changed. I gave him a chance with our daughter and then I got a promotion for work requiring to move out of state. We had to go to court because in my state you need consent of the biological parents to move a child out of state. He didn’t grant permission and I ended up losing custody. I have joint custoday now. Problem being is he is always questioning our daughter on what happened every time she comes home from my weekends. I don’t question anything on his time because it is none of my business. Everytime my daughter has spoken up she is punished. If she tells her dad she is uncomfortable with the questions he still keeps on going. Problem lies when he is constantly yelling at me on how I spend my time. He is really two sided and contolling and I was wondering if anyone else has this problem and if so, what did you do to stop it? Jennifer I had to read this several times to be sure I got the full scope of what you are saying. My situation is similar. My ex did not see my daughter for around ten years. So, why did you lose custody after this length of time? I can’t imagine any judge awarding custody to a parent who had been absent almost the child’s entire life, especially when you had already been awared sole custody. Seems there is more here than you are saying. I feel very sorry for your daughter. Must be very tough to have to go live with someone she hardly knows. Pamela
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Jennifer, It would seem that the court did not have full understanding of the total picture when he was given this type of custody. Hopefully, you will be able to present your case more accurately now. After my husband was gone two years, and had not seen my daughter, nor contacted her for almost as much time he sued for custody from another state. I was terrified. I couldn’t afford an attorney, and went into court on my own. He had representation. Everyone had to be evaluated by a counselor. He by phone, all of us, in person. It turned out that the recommendation, at that time, was that I retain custody, and that he could have supervised visitation only, and that she would not be put on a plane, and sent anywhere at any time. It did say, that once he was able to establish a relationship with her, that the court would then look at the situation again. The recommendation depended heavily on the interviews with my children, which were all done individually, and without my being in attendance. He accused me of all types of horrible things during his interview. Said she was in an unsafe environment, that we all used drugs (not), that I partied everynight (not), that she was left alone often (not), that she was emotionally abused (not). We all just told the truth about the situation. The recommendation rested mostly on the interviews with the kids, including my five year old. It was a terrible and frightening time for all of us. But, we won, in the end. I can’t imagine, that given your story, you will not win as well. Pamela – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Pamela, Yes that is pretty much what happened. I had no attorney on court date and I don’t know the legal statutes and stuff. I thought I had a lawyer coming into court so I was totally unprepared to represent myself. I am now in a different county however I believe I have to file in the original county. I finally have enough saved up to get a good lawyer and pursue. I want someone who will put my ex in his place. I not a person who likes revenge, however my ex has put me through hell the last year so I hope the lawyer can say things to make him think about it. Thank you for your advice. Jennifer Jennifer, If you had sole legal custody, then I don’t see how he could prevent you from moving anywhere. Seems weird that a judge would allow him unsupervised visitation with this history, at least at first. But, how you could lose sole legal custody once awarded, especially with his background is bizarre, unless you voluntarily gave it up. Maybe you got railroaded into agreeing to all of this. Think you need an attorney to sort it all out. Good luck to you, and to your daughter. Pamela Please read my other response to Kath. I couldn’t move out of state without his permission and since I didn’t have it the child stays in the state they are listed as a resident. That is what I was told and since I didn’t have an attorney I didn’t know if it was true or not. Jennifer message Hello. I am new to this newsgroup however I have been divorced for almost 8 years. I have a 9 year old daughter in which I had full legal and sole physical custody of until last year. Her father had made no contact for about 7 years and began writing to her. My new husband and I were having financial difficulties and thought he had changed. I gave him a chance with our daughter and then I got a promotion for work requiring to move out of state. We had to go to court because in my state you need consent of the biological parents to move a child out of state. He didn’t grant permission and I ended up losing custody. I have joint custoday now. Problem being is he is always questioning our daughter on what happened every time she comes home from my weekends. I don’t question anything on his time because it is none of my business. Everytime my daughter has spoken up she is punished. If she tells her dad she is uncomfortable with the questions he still keeps on going. Problem lies when he is constantly yelling at me on how I spend my time. He is really two sided and contolling and I was wondering if anyone else has this problem and if so, what did you do to stop it? Jennifer I had to read this several times to be sure I got the full scope of what you are saying. My situation is similar. My ex did not see my daughter for around ten years. So, why did you lose custody after this length of time? I can’t imagine any judge awarding custody to a parent who had been absent almost the child’s entire life, especially when you had already been awared sole custody. Seems there is more here than you are saying. I feel very sorry for your daughter. Must be very tough to have to go live with someone she hardly knows. Pamela
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Thank you Kath. I know what I have to do I just wanted advice on how I can help my daughter until things change. I have tried telling my ex that he can’t do this but he doesn’t change. I plan on going back to court. Jennifer
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – In court they made a visitation schedule that was written up for when I moved out of state. I never ended up moving and so the papers state that while in Minnesota I should have every other weekend and that’s all he gives me.< Hellloooo? You aren’t in Minnesota anymore [Dorothy]!. Their was no attorney for me at time of court due to my lawyer not accepting payment arrangements and withdrew on date of court. I was given some advice on a case in Hawaii< Jennifer you desperately need an Attorney – like, yesterday. Your situation is egregious. They didn’t ask my daughter for her opinion and if they did she would have said she wanted to go with me because she was fully ready to move out of state. She was excited. Now since I’ve not moved I need to go back to court to get the decree revisited and seek custody again. In the mean time my daughter is in hell.< I don’t know how much "revisiting" you’ll have to do if the decree spells out the fact that the current arrangements are to be adhered to ONLY if you are living out of state. Since you are not, you have a major loop hole. She can’t tell him her feelings because she is afraid of being punished.< You may very well need a Guardian Ad Litem for your daughter. I would get a Lawyer ASAP and motion for a new hearing based on the fact that you did not move out of state and request the child be assigned a Law Guardian immediately (based on your income you may be able to ask that the Guardian be assigned pro-bono so you do not incur any expense). You need to have legitimate representation not _advice_. Good Luck Jennifer and keep us posted. It sounds like it isn’t good. Kath~
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Jennifer, If you had sole legal custody, then I don’t see how he could prevent you from moving anywhere. Seems weird that a judge would allow him unsupervised visitation with this history, at least at first. But, how you could lose sole legal custody once awarded, especially with his background is bizarre, unless you voluntarily gave it up. Maybe you got railroaded into agreeing to all of this. Think you need an attorney to sort it all out. Good luck to you, and to your daughter. Pamela
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Please read my other response to Kath. I couldn’t move out of state without his permission and since I didn’t have it the child stays in the state they are listed as a resident. That is what I was told and since I didn’t have an attorney I didn’t know if it was true or not. Jennifer message Hello. I am new to this newsgroup however I have been divorced for almost 8 years. I have a 9 year old daughter in which I had full legal and sole physical custody of until last year. Her father had made no contact for about 7 years and began writing to her. My new husband and I were having financial difficulties and thought he had changed. I gave him a chance with our daughter and then I got a promotion for work requiring to move out of state. We had to go to court because in my state you need consent of the biological parents to move a child out of state. He didn’t grant permission and I ended up losing custody. I have joint custoday now. Problem being is he is always questioning our daughter on what happened every time she comes home from my weekends. I don’t question anything on his time because it is none of my business. Everytime my daughter has spoken up she is punished. If she tells her dad she is uncomfortable with the questions he still keeps on going. Problem lies when he is constantly yelling at me on how I spend my time. He is really two sided and contolling and I was wondering if anyone else has this problem and if so, what did you do to stop it? Jennifer I had to read this several times to be sure I got the full scope of what you are saying. My situation is similar. My ex did not see my daughter for around ten years. So, why did you lose custody after this length of time? I can’t imagine any judge awarding custody to a parent who had been absent almost the child’s entire life, especially when you had already been awared sole custody. Seems there is more here than you are saying. I feel very sorry for your daughter. Must be very tough to have to go live with someone she hardly knows. Pamela
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In court they made a visitation schedule that was written up for when I moved
out of state. I never ended up moving and so the papers state that while in Minnesota I should have every other weekend and that’s all he gives me.< Hellloooo? You aren’t in Minnesota anymore [Dorothy]!. Their was no attorney for me at time of court due to my lawyer not accepting
payment arrangements and withdrew on date of court. I was given some advice on a case in Hawaii< Jennifer you desperately need an Attorney – like, yesterday. Your situation is egregious. They didn’t ask my daughter for her opinion and if they did she would have
said she wanted to go with me because she was fully ready to move out of state. She was excited. Now since I’ve not moved I need to go back to court to get the decree revisited and seek custody again. In the mean time my daughter is in hell.< I don’t know how much "revisiting" you’ll have to do if the decree spells out the fact that the current arrangements are to be adhered to ONLY if you are living out of state. Since you are not, you have a major loop hole. She can’t tell him her feelings because she is afraid of being punished.<
You may very well need a Guardian Ad Litem for your daughter. I would get a Lawyer ASAP and motion for a new hearing based on the fact that you did not move out of state and request the child be assigned a Law Guardian immediately (based on your income you may be able to ask that the Guardian be assigned pro-bono so you do not incur any expense). You need to have legitimate representation not _advice_. Good Luck Jennifer and keep us posted. It sounds like it isn’t good. Kath~
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Please read my other response to Kath. I couldn’t move out of state without his permission and since I didn’t have it the child stays in the state they are listed as a resident. That is what I was told and since I didn’t have an attorney I didn’t know if it was true or not. Jennifer
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello. I am new to this newsgroup however I have been divorced for almost 8 years. I have a 9 year old daughter in which I had full legal and sole physical custody of until last year. Her father had made no contact for about 7 years and began writing to her. My new husband and I were having financial difficulties and thought he had changed. I gave him a chance with our daughter and then I got a promotion for work requiring to move out of state. We had to go to court because in my state you need consent of the biological parents to move a child out of state. He didn’t grant permission and I ended up losing custody. I have joint custoday now. Problem being is he is always questioning our daughter on what happened every time she comes home from my weekends. I don’t question anything on his time because it is none of my business. Everytime my daughter has spoken up she is punished. If she tells her dad she is uncomfortable with the questions he still keeps on going. Problem lies when he is constantly yelling at me on how I spend my time. He is really two sided and contolling and I was wondering if anyone else has this problem and if so, what did you do to stop it? Jennifer I had to read this several times to be sure I got the full scope of what you are saying. My situation is similar. My ex did not see my daughter for around ten years. So, why did you lose custody after this length of time? I can’t imagine any judge awarding custody to a parent who had been absent almost the child’s entire life, especially when you had already been awared sole custody. Seems there is more here than you are saying. I feel very sorry for your daughter. Must be very tough to have to go live with someone she hardly knows. Pamela
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I’m missing something here. Your daughter was 2 when you got divorced from her father? He had no contact, essentially abandoned her for seven years? He wrote some letters? He swooped in and "boom" got custody? What’s missing? Did he pay child support? How did this happen? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello. I am new to this newsgroup however I have been divorced for almost 8 years. I have a 9 year old daughter in which I had full legal and sole physical custody of until last year. Her father had made no contact for about 7 years and began writing to her. My new husband and I were having financial difficulties and thought he had changed. I gave him a chance with our daughter and then I got a promotion for work requiring to move out of state. We had to go to court because in my state you need consent of the biological parents to move a child out of state. He didn’t grant permission and I ended up losing custody. I have joint custoday now. Problem being is he is always questioning our daughter on what happened every time she comes home from my weekends. I don’t question anything on his time because it is none of my business. Everytime my daughter has spoken up she is punished. If she tells her dad she is uncomfortable with the questions he still keeps on going. Problem lies when he is constantly yelling at me on how I spend my time. He is really two sided and contolling and I was wondering if anyone else has this problem and if so, what did you do to stop it? Jennifer
Response:
Please look at my other responses. I got child support on and off again. I didn’t care about that. It’s he lost visitation when we got divorced due to mental issues. He had to get treatment and the judge felt he shouldn’t have any contact but written. He got treatment and proved to the state he was not mentally insane. He was a ward of the state. The judge felt he wasn’t a danger to our daughter and granted him visitation. Then when I was to move out of state all hell broke loose. She likes the fact she has a step sister however that is all she likes. Jennifer
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m missing something here. Your daughter was 2 when you got divorced from her father? He had no contact, essentially abandoned her for seven years? He wrote some letters? He swooped in and "boom" got custody? What’s missing? Did he pay child support? How did this happen? Hello. I am new to this newsgroup however I have been divorced for almost 8 years. I have a 9 year old daughter in which I had full legal and sole physical custody of until last year. Her father had made no contact for about 7 years and began writing to her. My new husband and I were having financial difficulties and thought he had changed. I gave him a chance with our daughter and then I got a promotion for work requiring to move out of state. We had to go to court because in my state you need consent of the biological parents to move a child out of state. He didn’t grant permission and I ended up losing custody. I have joint custoday now. Problem being is he is always questioning our daughter on what happened every time she comes home from my weekends. I don’t question anything on his time because it is none of my business. Everytime my daughter has spoken up she is punished. If she tells her dad she is uncomfortable with the questions he still keeps on going. Problem lies when he is constantly yelling at me on how I spend my time. He is really two sided and contolling and I was wondering if anyone else has this problem and if so, what did you do to stop it? Jennifer
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In court they made a visitation schedule that was written up for when I moved out of state. I never ended up moving and so the papers state that while in Minnesota I should have every other weekend and that’s all he gives me. He complains that I don’t spend enough time with her but every time I ask for her on days he has her, he always has an excuse as to why she can’t come. Their was no attorney for me at time of court due to my lawyer not accepting payment arrangements and withdrew on date of court. I was given some advice on a case in Hawaii where this same situation occurred and they won. They also had an attorney. They didn’t ask my daughter for her opinion and if they did she would have said she wanted to go with me because she was fully ready to move out of state. She was excited. Now since I’ve not moved I need to go back to court to get the decree revisited and seek custody again. In the mean time my daughter is in hell. She can’t tell him her feelings because she is afraid of being punished. I’ve told her over and over that feelings are never wrong and that I don’t punish her. I just want an answer even if it is "I don’t feel comfortable," I just feel trapped and back to the way it was when we were still married. Jennifer
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I have a 9 year old daughter in which I had full legal and sole physical custody of until last year. Her father had made no contact for about 7 years and began writing to her. My new husband and I were having financial difficulties and thought he had changed. I gave him a chance with our daughter and then I got a promotion for work requiring to move out of state. We had to go to court because in my state you need consent of the biological parents to move a child out of state. He didn’t grant permission and I ended up losing custody. Was there a trial determining the new custody arrangements or a Law Guardian to represent what was in your daughters best interests — or what your daughters wishes were? For your ex to now be the Custodial parent after not seeing her for 7 years seems like a major adjustment for her – was it not, or did she want to "go" with him? < Problem being is he is always questioning our daughter on what happened every time she comes home from my weekends. Did you end up not moving out of state that she is with you on weekends? <Everytime my daughter has spoken up she is punished. If she tells her dad she is uncomfortable with the questions he still keeps on going. Problem lies when he is constantly yelling at me on how I spend my time. He is really two sided and contolling and I was wondering if anyone else has this problem and if so, what did you do to stop it? Does he not like what you’re doing when your daughter is with you or in general? I feel for your daughter. What does she say about all of this as far as the new living arrangements? Kath~
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Hello. I am new to this newsgroup however I have been divorced for almost 8 years. I have a 9 year old daughter in which I had full legal and sole physical custody of until last year. <snip Problem being is he is always questioning our daughter on what happened every time she comes home from my weekends. I don’t question anything on his time because it is none of my business. Everytime my daughter has spoken up she is punished. If she tells her dad she is uncomfortable with the questions he still keeps on going. Problem lies when he is constantly yelling at me on how I spend my time. He is really two sided and contolling and I was wondering if anyone else has this problem and if so, what did you do to stop it?
If I understand it: He questions his daughter about how she spent her weekend, and when he finds out, he calls you up to complain about it? If that is the problem, then no, I have no experience with it, but I might suggest that you not take his call and communicate by e-mail instead. [Roger]
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I have a 9 year old daughter in which I had full legal and sole physical
custody of until last year. Her father had made no contact for about 7 years and began writing to her. My new husband and I were having financial difficulties and thought he had changed. I gave him a chance with our daughter and then I got a promotion for work requiring to move out of state. We had to go to court because in my state you need consent of the biological parents to move a child out of state. He didn’t grant permission and I ended up losing custody. Was there a trial determining the new custody arrangements or a Law Guardian to represent what was in your daughters best interests — or what your daughters wishes were? For your ex to now be the Custodial parent after not seeing her for 7 years seems like a major adjustment for her – was it not, or did she want to "go" with him? < Problem being is he is always questioning our daughter on what happened every time she comes home from my weekends. Did you end up not moving out of state that she is with you on weekends? <Everytime my daughter has spoken up she is punished. If she tells her dad she is uncomfortable with the questions he still keeps on going. Problem lies when he is constantly yelling at me on how I spend my time. He is really two sided and contolling and I was wondering if anyone else has this problem and if so, what did you do to stop it? Does he not like what you’re doing when your daughter is with you or in general? I feel for your daughter. What does she say about all of this as far as the new living arrangements? Kath~
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– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello. I am new to this newsgroup however I have been divorced for almost 8 years. I have a 9 year old daughter in which I had full legal and sole physical custody of until last year. Her father had made no contact for about 7 years and began writing to her. My new husband and I were having financial difficulties and thought he had changed. I gave him a chance with our daughter and then I got a promotion for work requiring to move out of state. We had to go to court because in my state you need consent of the biological parents to move a child out of state. He didn’t grant permission and I ended up losing custody. I have joint custoday now. Problem being is he is always questioning our daughter on what happened every time she comes home from my weekends. I don’t question anything on his time because it is none of my business. Everytime my daughter has spoken up she is punished. If she tells her dad she is uncomfortable with the questions he still keeps on going. Problem lies when he is constantly yelling at me on how I spend my time. He is really two sided and contolling and I was wondering if anyone else has this problem and if so, what did you do to stop it? Jennifer
I had to read this several times to be sure I got the full scope of what you are saying. My situation is similar. My ex did not see my daughter for around ten years. So, why did you lose custody after this length of time? I can’t imagine any judge awarding custody to a parent who had been absent almost the child’s entire life, especially when you had already been awared sole custody. Seems there is more here than you are saying. I feel very sorry for your daughter. Must be very tough to have to go live with someone she hardly knows. Pamela
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Hello. I am new to this newsgroup however I have been divorced for almost 8 years. I have a 9 year old daughter in which I had full legal and sole physical custody of until last year. Her father had made no contact for about 7 years and began writing to her. My new husband and I were having financial difficulties and thought he had changed. I gave him a chance with our daughter and then I got a promotion for work requiring to move out of state. We had to go to court because in my state you need consent of the biological parents to move a child out of state. He didn’t grant permission and I ended up losing custody. I have joint custoday now. Problem being is he is always questioning our daughter on what happened every time she comes home from my weekends. I don’t question anything on his time because it is none of my business. Everytime my daughter has spoken up she is punished. If she tells her dad she is uncomfortable with the questions he still keeps on going. Problem lies when he is constantly yelling at me on how I spend my time. He is really two sided and contolling and I was wondering if anyone else has this problem and if so, what did you do to stop it? Jennifer
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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – My questions are these and I am asking them after finally realizing that I cannot take this anymore: 1. Is there anyway I can file for emotional harrassment? 2. If my wife files for divorce then do the following count in my favor when alimony is decided? a) That I gave up a good career in India to join her in the US b) That I have been supporting her with money whenever she asks c) That she has not made any attempt to respond to me even when I have tried my best to reach out to her d) That she has been untruthful to me to win my empathy and to also make me feel that she is ‘worse off’ 3. Is there anything that I can do to protect myself. First, nothing that she does to you emotionally or psychologically can ever justify violence. That is indefensible and I hope that your BIP changes your way of thinking on that. As to your questions: 1. Many states in the U.S. use a "no fault" basis for divorce, meaning that it makes no difference who does what to whom. However, a few do allow use of "grounds." You should check with the Clerk of the Court where you live to see if they have a brochure which explains the procedure in your state, visit a bookstore to see if they have a kit or book specifically for your state, or consult a lawyer. 2. Items a. and b. could be factors for and against you; however, items c. and d. are not. How you feel is not relevant to money issues. 3. Consult a lawyer. Many offer no or low fee consults. [Roger]
Thank you for your response Roger. I do not need my BIP to help me learn that nothing justifies violence, I realized it almost as soon as it happened. The BIP on the other hand helping me realize the abuse that *I* have been put under and choose to ignore all these days because of the guilt that I had. Yes, violence is inexcusable and I will NEVER defend myself when it comes to that.
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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi, You sound sincere in your apology about striking your wife. I hope for your sake that you realize no matter what the provocation that it is always better to leave the situation. I don’t think you actually had to tell that part of your story to get to your questions so I think that shows your sincerety. As for the divorce, If you believe the relationshp is over you should go ahead and file and not wait for her. Not every state allows for alimony, sometimes the requirements for that are pretty strict. For instance, I’m pretty sure that I would not qualify for it, even though I’m also a student – because I work full time. From what you have said about your wife it sounds like she is strong enough to stand on her own. Do you want to move back to India? If the jobs are better there? Keep track of what you spend for her, keep receipts or copies of checks that you give to her. Don’t let her take advantage of you. It is likely that any divorce may bring up your abuse conviction. So if your therapist believes that you have been emotionally and mentally abused you might ask him if he’s willing to testify on your behalf – if it becomes necessary. Grace . . When God sends the dawn, He sends it for all. – Cervantes Say what is easily forgotten. Do what is easily overlooked. Think what is everlasting. Hugh Prather
Thank you for your advice Grace. Yes, I am very repentful of striking my wife and while my wife will use that against me forever, I know that our relationship was over long before that incident. If only I hadn’t reacted that way… There have been occassions where she has struck me to, but I guess, being male, I have to ‘ignore’ that. I am keeping a track of all the money that I am spending on her and I also hope to put down a journal that describes the abuse that I feel I have been subjected to. My counselor at the BIP tells acknowledges that I am being manipulated and has adviced me on several occassions to ‘let go’. I guess I was just too caught up in my feels for her to realise that what he and everyone else has been saying. Thank you again for your response. It gives me strength to know that there are people out there who are willing to listen.
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Hello, I must also mention that my wife is feminist and in her definition ‘men must pay’. My wife has lied about her past to me, in fact I still dont know what the real reason for her first divorce was. She now openly admits to being a ‘bisexual feminist’ – something that she vehemently denied while we were courting. ANY advice would be appreciated.
Feminist and bisexual? You are in deep poop. Grab your money and runnnnnnnnnnnnnn – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –
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Hi, You sound sincere in your apology about striking your wife. I hope for your sake that you realize no matter what the provocation that it is always better to leave the situation. I don’t think you actually had to tell that part of your story to get to your questions so I think that shows your sincerety. As for the divorce, If you believe the relationshp is over you should go ahead and file and not wait for her. Not every state allows for alimony, sometimes the requirements for that are pretty strict. For instance, I’m pretty sure that I would not qualify for it, even though I’m also a student – because I work full time. From what you have said about your wife it sounds like she is strong enough to stand on her own. Do you want to move back to India? If the jobs are better there? Keep track of what you spend for her, keep receipts or copies of checks that you give to her. Don’t let her take advantage of you. It is likely that any divorce may bring up your abuse conviction. So if your therapist believes that you have been emotionally and mentally abused you might ask him if he’s willing to testify on your behalf – if it becomes necessary. Grace . . When God sends the dawn, He sends it for all. – Cervantes Say what is easily forgotten. Do what is easily overlooked. Think what is everlasting. Hugh Prather
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My questions are these and I am asking them after finally realizing that I cannot take this anymore: 1. Is there anyway I can file for emotional harrassment? 2. If my wife files for divorce then do the following count in my favor when alimony is decided? a) That I gave up a good career in India to join her in the US b) That I have been supporting her with money whenever she asks c) That she has not made any attempt to respond to me even when I have tried my best to reach out to her d) That she has been untruthful to me to win my empathy and to also make me feel that she is ‘worse off’ 3. Is there anything that I can do to protect myself.
First, nothing that she does to you emotionally or psychologically can ever justify violence. That is indefensible and I hope that your BIP changes your way of thinking on that. As to your questions: 1. Many states in the U.S. use a "no fault" basis for divorce, meaning that it makes no difference who does what to whom. However, a few do allow use of "grounds." You should check with the Clerk of the Court where you live to see if they have a brochure which explains the procedure in your state, visit a bookstore to see if they have a kit or book specifically for your state, or consult a lawyer. 2. Items a. and b. could be factors for and against you; however, items c. and d. are not. How you feel is not relevant to money issues. 3. Consult a lawyer. Many offer no or low fee consults. [Roger]
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Hello, I was married in 2002 in India to a woman who is currently pursuing higher studies in the US. Before getting married, both of us jointly took the decision that once we were married, I would move to the US on a dependant visa and look for a job here. Both of us knew that it would not be easy getting work in the US, especially with the economy being the way it is. However, we decided to risk it all the same in the greater interest of the marriage. I gave up several good job opportunities in India and finally made the move to the US a few months after my wife came to the US. It wasnt easy making the move here and I had to spend a lot of money that I managed to organize after taking a loan from my parents. As we expected things were not easy on the job front. Further more, my wife became more and more engrossed in her education and the relationship started developing serious cracks. We argued and fought a lot and one day I finally snapped and hit my wife. I completly regret this and I know that this was a terrible thing to do. I was arrested and was sentenced to attend a batterers intervention program, which I am doing now. I know that most of you reading this probably will have no sympathy for me after hearing this but I hope you will read on… I know that what I did to my wife was cowardly and a bad thing to do and I have no excuse for the way I acted. However, I sometimes wonder whether the emotional pressure and blackmail that my wife constantly used on me was worse than what I did to her. Her lies, lack of empathy, and unwillingness to accept that I could never be as ‘academic’ as her drove me up the wall and made me lose confidence in myself. There was never a single day when I would wake up and and not worry about what she was going to put me through on that day. I must mention this – my wife was married before and that marriage lasted less than 2 months. We were sleeping together even before she got her first divorce. I must also mention that my wife is feminist and in her definition ‘men must pay’. My wife has lied about her past to me, in fact I still dont know what the real reason for her first divorce was. She now openly admits to being a ‘bisexual feminist’ – something that she vehemently denied while we were courting. In the last several months, we have had a rollercoaster relationship. We are now separated. I finally managed to find a job and am on my own two feet. The only occassions that she calls are when she wants money. I get a brief mail or a phone call asking for money and explaining how difficult life is for her, that she has no food, is constantly ill etc. I must point out however that she is on a full scholarship and even gets paid for some work that she does for her university. I comply will ALL her requests – because I still care and worry about her. My wife exaggerates beyond belief. She has constanly lied to me about things that she does, illnesses that she has and so on with the sole intention of winning my sympathy and ultimately to get some money out of me. I have been seeing a counselor and both my counselor and the people I meet at he batterers intrevention program believe that my wife is emotionally tormenting me and everyone has encouraged me to leave this relationship. I hate to sound like I am making my wife out to be a bad person, but I cannot ask for advice without talking about her. My questions are these and I am asking them after finally realizing that I cannot take this anymore: 1. Is there anyway I can file for emotional harrassment? 2. If my wife files for divorce then do the following count in my favor when alimony is decided? a) That I gave up a good career in India to join her in the US b) That I have been supporting her with money whenever she asks c) That she has not made any attempt to respond to me even when I have tried my best to reach out to her d) That she has been untruthful to me to win my empathy and to also make me feel that she is ‘worse off’ 3. Is there anything that I can do to protect myself. ANY advice would be appreciated.
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Our opinions don’t matter as much as the opinions of a lawyer knowledgable in the legalisms of your jurisdiction. Do this quickly, before the trail gets too cold, or if it looks like you did not care enough to act right away. Yes, mothers get custody more often than men, most of the time it is automatic. One of the reasons is that it is difficult to get a lawyer to fight for a father, since they believe they are going to lose if they do so. Moral: don’t give up. Look for a lawyer who is full-time or practically full-time in family law, and who gets more than 25%-30% of his business from fathers. Be sure to take care of yourself. It sounds like this is not your fault, but you will probably beat yourself up about "what did I do wrong?" Get some kind of support from friends, a counselor, a 12-step group or something. Don’t try to go through this alone, it will be difficult enough for you with help. Post back with more specific questions about your case. From your post it is difficult to tell if you are a resident of Spain, or if she flew off to Spain, or if you were visiting Spain. It will be easier to gather information on legal experiences if we know the country where and adjudication would occur. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Can someone please advise me on what are the chances of me getting custody of my son. My wife deserted the home, she ran of with another man, leaving me in Spain, she took with her my 20 month old son. I do not know where they are, 4 weeks have past now, I had a quick phone call from her, I asked her why she was doing this to us and her answer was ‘don’t worry you’ll find another girl’, she left our home while I was at work, and this man she is with bought the plane tickets to fly her and my son out of the country. there is nothing my wife can do that I cant do. my son does not need breast feeding, I could look after him just as well. I know people say that the courts seem to always give custody to the mother, but look how irresponsible my wife has been. all this happened in the space of a month, there was no previous marriage breakdown or arguments, she just ran away. 5 weeks ago our relationship seemed as normal as it has been for the last 5 years. what are your opinions on this sad story Thanks in advance shr
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You had no idea that this was going to happen? I am so sorry…
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Can someone please advise me on what are the chances of me getting custody of my son.
Probably not that good. My children are six and ten – my lawyer indicated that they were old enough that I have a good chance on gaining custody. Which gets me to my opinion of what you should be doing. See a counselor – if your company has an Employee Assistance Program, use it. You need to talk to a trained professional about what is going on right now. They can help you sort through your feelings and figure out some short term tactics and long term goals. See a divorce lawyer. Spend $80.00 to $100.00 to learn what your legal options are. At some point you may need to talk to a lawyer that specializes in contested custody cases. Find out how long a divorce would take if she has abandonded you. Find out how much it will take to fight for custody. If adultry affects whether or not you will need to pay alimony (ask your lawyer), invest in a private investigator to get this evidence. To prove adultry, you will need an objective third party – hearsay evidence, even her own confession to your, probably won’t do. Why do you want to do this? Because, if you reconcile, and she later decides to dump you anyway and take you for everything she can, the money spent to get the evidence will equal one or two months of alimony. You don’t deserve her cheating on you. Why should you reward her for that? Even if you are determined to get her back. See the counselor and lawyer – gather information so you can make the best possible decision you can. Finally , let us know what happens, and Hang in there and hang out here. Steven Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.
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I’m sorry Simon that your wife is acting this way, your best bet would be to contact a lawyer as soon as possible and see what can be done. Good Luck! Daisy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Can someone please advise me on what are the chances of me getting custody of my son. My wife deserted the home, she ran of with another man, leaving me in Spain, she took with her my 20 month old son. I do not know where they are, 4 weeks have past now, I had a quick phone call from her, I asked her why she was doing this to us and her answer was ‘don’t worry you’ll find another girl’, she left our home while I was at work, and this man she is with bought the plane tickets to fly her and my son out of the country. there is nothing my wife can do that I cant do. my son does not need breast feeding, I could look after him just as well. I know people say that the courts seem to always give custody to the mother, but look how irresponsible my wife has been. all this happened in the space of a month, there was no previous marriage breakdown or arguments, she just ran away. 5 weeks ago our relationship seemed as normal as it has been for the last 5 years. what are your opinions on this sad story Thanks in advance shr
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Can someone please advise me on what are the chances of me getting custody of my son. My wife deserted the home, she ran of with another man, leaving me in Spain, she took with her my 20 month old son. I do not know where they are, 4 weeks have past now, I had a quick phone call from her, I asked her why she was doing this to us and her answer was ‘don’t worry you’ll find another girl’, she left our home while I was at work, and this man she is with bought the plane tickets to fly her and my son out of the country. there is nothing my wife can do that I cant do. my son does not need breast feeding, I could look after him just as well. I know people say that the courts seem to always give custody to the mother, but look how irresponsible my wife has been. all this happened in the space of a month, there was no previous marriage breakdown or arguments, she just ran away. 5 weeks ago our relationship seemed as normal as it has been for the last 5 years. what are your opinions on this sad story Thanks in advance shr
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Harsh, maybe, but absolutely right, I think.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Ah, there’s nothing more lovely than the old ‘I don’t know who I am’ bullshit. Best advice for you, if she hasn’t filled for divorce, you do the deed. Let her find herself, just as penniless and alone as you can possible make it. In other words, Sparky, dump her stupid ass. You have to take charge, you have kids that depend on YOU. Take it all away from her, she doesn’t deserve a goddamn thing, not doing nonsense like this. Did you think after 2 affairs she was going to change. You made a mistake, didn’t you? In this day and age where only MEN are capable of being unfaithful, a woman who makes a ‘mistake’ is welcome to blame her inadequacies on the man, don’t stand for a second for this shit. Get free and raise your family like only you can. Best of luck…
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Been there, done that. No kids in my case, but I got the old line about "I don’t know who I am any more", along with other classics like "I’ved changed, and I’m a different person now," and "Yes, I think there are things missing in my life, but I don’t know what they are." She’s messing you about badly with stuff like this, and the fact you’ve got kids makes it worse. Here’s a thought for you: If you get yourself legal advice, start divorce proceedings, close down bank accounts, that kind of stuff, it might well wake her up from whatever dream she’s been chasing. If it does (and yes, this happened to me), she may well be back on your doorstep, crying and asking for forgiveness. If she does that, you’ve got to make a very careful judgement: Does she really want you back, or is it just that her wonderful new life didn’t work out quite the way she thought, and she couldn’t think where else to go? If the latter is the case, THIS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Whatever you do, make it hard for her. Otherwise she may well be tempted to just use you for as long as it’s convenient. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – My wofe left me seven weeks ago stating she was unhappy and didint know who she was anymore. We had been married ten and a half years. I now have the three kids full time and dont know what to do next. I love her and how long should I wait. She had two affairs-one 6 months ago and one 8 years ago—-HELP PLEASE!
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Cover your Butt! It is very difficult to do when you are emotional. if at all possible try to step back from the heartbreak and look at this sort of from a business stand point…. I know I know that sounds harsh and unfeeling but you cannot think clearly if you are thinking through the haze of pain and heartbreak. Think about how those children must feel if this is how you feel. Worse because they don’t understand even more so than you! Do what is best for them and you.
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My wofe left me seven weeks ago stating she was unhappy and didint know who she was anymore.
I suspect that many (usually women) are finding themselves because they has such unrealistic expectations of marriage. From childhood they are bombarded with "you’ll find the right man and live happily ever after." What is omitted from this indoctrination is that "happily ever after" is filled with a lot of mundane tasks and just plain old-fashioned hard work. Good marriages just don’t happen. They require work. I offer this not as an excuse for her behavior only as MAYBE a glimpse into why she is doing what she is doing. It may well have absolutely nothing to do with you. In all likelihood you simply will never be able to make your wife happy. She will have to learn that happiness comes from within and isn’t something someone gives you. We had been married ten and a half years. I now have the three kids full time and dont know what to do next.
Now is the time you need to make a decision to become a survivor. You have yourself and your family to care for. And you and your children now make up your family. Get a lawyer and insure your rights and theirs. Take care of yourself. Here’s some tips that might help – http://www.scican.net/~haxton/asd I love her and how long should I wait.
I think that long after the actual love goes there’s something that people mistake for love that remains and that’s habit. Reaching for her hand, the way she did certain things, etc. You are going through the mourning process similar to if you had lost someone to death. You’ve lost your wife, your trust in her, your respect for her, the dreams you have had for the last 10 1/2 years, the security of a home, family – and part of your own idenity. At some point you’ll have to deal with all of this. While it may see to be an huge task – taken one day at a time it’s doable. You probably won’t believe this now, but someday you will be happy again, in love again, and the pain will go away. She had two affairs-one 6 months ago and one 8 years ago—-
Doesn’t sound like she’s changed much in 8 years. HELP PLEASE!
They say that the hardest part of making a difficult decision is the indecision right before the decision is made and once you actually make up your mind it gets easier because you start to feel in control again. I personally think that’s true. Good luck to you and please keep posting. Think of this newsgroup as a big supermarket. You’ll find some things (posts) you really like and will be just what you need and some that are awful. Keep what you want and ignore the rest. Victoria Lee
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Yea fine on that mate, I got the same story and I have 4 kids and 23 yrs of weded bliss, then bang out of the blue. I just need some time to myself crap…..2 weeks later…yea you guessed it…it’s mr right. don’t worry the first three months are shit…but when you realise that you really don’t need her you’ll feel much better….fight the urge to blame yourself for her bad behaviour…you’ll just hate yourself for it in the end……get some friends happening and get a – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – My wofe left me seven weeks ago stating she was unhappy and didint know who she was anymore. We had been married ten and a half years. I now have the three kids full time and dont know what to do next. I love her and how long should I wait. She had two affairs-one 6 months ago and one 8 years ago—-HELP PLEASE!
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My wofe left me seven weeks ago stating she was unhappy and didint know who she was anymore. We had been married ten and a half years. I now have the three kids full time and dont know what to do next.
Change the locks on the house and immediately file for child support for the three kids. — Joe
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It’s sad to say James but I fear she may be back to her old tricks again. Contact a lawyer and protect your interests and the interests of your children! I’m hoping for the best for you. Daisy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – My wofe left me seven weeks ago stating she was unhappy and didint know who she was anymore. We had been married ten and a half years. I now have the three kids full time and dont know what to do next. I love her and how long should I wait. She had two affairs-one 6 months ago and one 8 years ago—-HELP PLEASE!
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Ah, there’s nothing more lovely than the old ‘I don’t know who I am’ bullshit. Best advice for you, if she hasn’t filled for divorce, you do the deed. Let her find herself, just as penniless and alone as you can possible make it. In other words, Sparky, dump her stupid ass. You have to take charge, you have kids that depend on YOU. Take it all away from her, she doesn’t deserve a goddamn thing, not doing nonsense like this. Did you think after 2 affairs she was going to change. You made a mistake, didn’t you? In this day and age where only MEN are capable of being unfaithful, a woman who makes a ‘mistake’ is welcome to blame her inadequacies on the man, don’t stand for a second for this shit. Get free and raise your family like only you can. Best of luck… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – My wofe left me seven weeks ago stating she was unhappy and didint know who she was anymore. We had been married ten and a half years. I now have the three kids full time and dont know what to do next. I love her and how long should I wait. She had two affairs-one 6 months ago and one 8 years ago—-HELP PLEASE!
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My wofe left me seven weeks ago stating she was unhappy and didint know who she was anymore. We had been married ten and a half years. I now have the three kids full time and dont know what to do next. I love her and how long should I wait. She had two affairs-one 6 months ago and one 8 years ago—-HELP PLEASE!
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What you should do is contact a lawyer to protect your legal, financial, and parental interests. It’s obvious your wife has abandoned the marriage, you and her children! You now have to look out for yourself, and most importantly, your kids! You also need a support system to help you deal with the emotions you are feeling, whether that be family, friends, and/or counselling. Good luck. Mary Block ICQ# 2101760 My wofe left me seven weeks ago stating she was unhappy and didint know who she was anymore. We had been married ten and a half years. I now have the three kids full time and dont know what to do next. I love her and how long should I wait. She had two affairs-one 6 months ago and one 8 years ago—-HELP PLEASE!
– __ ___ ___ __ __ / __ /_ /_ / / ,_ __ // \// \ ___ ____ __ __ __ / /’__` \ ‘__` ‘__`/ / / _/ L.__ __ \ L L _/ _/ __ __/._Y____Y____ _,__/ _,__/ ___x___/’ Visit me at http://thrill.to/statuesque
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It sounds like your stress level is just maxed out – and so on some level you are just protecting yourself from any more.
Every time i think that, then something else comes along. wonder what will be next. It’s almost funny. Like who will die, will it be an earthquake, maybe i’ll get run over when i go out for my walk tonight. At this point nothing more will surprise me. I think i’ll take Bill’s advice and move to Needles. Now, we have strep throat in the household. Now that i’m exposed i can’t chance taking it to my mom or kids. Yes, Needles… wonder how real estate prices are there? Hubby can stay here and deal with his stuff while i go to my luxury estate in Needles. The one with the whirlpool bubble bath… and french vanilla milk shakes… smoked oysters w/lemon juice…. Ah, bloody Marys with celery stalks… I shall have hired help to serve me and keep my floors spotless and my shelves dust-free… Bright fucsia satin sheets, silk nightgowns of peach rose and mint ivy…. Champagne and feather-toys….
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Don’t EVER do something major with your life under the ASSumption that something is going to happen soon. Wait until it happens first before you do the something major.
I know that feeling. Getting a transfer wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Oh well, my next vacation will be in Jan.
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Nearl J Icarus said for all posterity… I know that feeling. Getting a transfer wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Oh well, my next vacation will be in Jan.
Jan? I thought her name was Linda. Casey I started with nothing. I still have most of it.
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I know that feeling. Getting a transfer wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Oh well, my next vacation will be in Jan.
transfer from what to what???? Jan 2004? that’s not too far off.
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Nearl J Icarus said for all posterity… I know that feeling. Getting a transfer wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Oh well, my next vacation will be in Jan. Jan? I thought her name was Linda.
OH CASEY! You are SOOOOO bad!!! Even if i HAD thought of that one, i wouldn’t have said it!!!!
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ml said for all posterity… Nearl J Icarus said for all posterity… I know that feeling. Getting a transfer wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Oh well, my next vacation will be in Jan. Jan? I thought her name was Linda. OH CASEY! You are SOOOOO bad!!! Even if i HAD thought of that one, i wouldn’t have said it!!!!
I had a weak moment. Casey I started with nothing. I still have most of it.
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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – ml said for all posterity… Nearl J Icarus said for all posterity… I know that feeling. Getting a transfer wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Oh well, my next vacation will be in Jan. Jan? I thought her name was Linda. OH CASEY! You are SOOOOO bad!!! Even if i HAD thought of that one, i wouldn’t have said it!!!! I had a weak moment.
You’d better get a handle on that!
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– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – ml said for all posterity… Nearl J Icarus said for all posterity… I know that feeling. Getting a transfer wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Oh well, my next vacation will be in Jan. Jan? I thought her name was Linda. OH CASEY! You are SOOOOO bad!!! Even if i HAD thought of that one, i wouldn’t have said it!!!! I had a weak moment.
I think that’s his sister…. or maybe they are the same person hmmm
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I hear you ML. My earlier suggestions still stand. I hate to say it but feel that I must.
You opinion was/is appreciated. I do, however, feel there are other options to explore. The grass doesn’t always get greener on the other side – you just have to learn to pick out the weeds and dump extra fertilizer on it or something. Some wise "advice" given to me years ago by someone i consider quite wise was that if you can’t change a situation, change yourself withIN that situation. Depending on the situation, that may take some time and probably some frustrations, but it’s likely do-able.
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while i go to my luxury estate in Needles.
I wonder how often "luxury" and "Needles" are used in the same sentence. Champagne and feather-toys….
Does this relate the the sexy lingerie under the business suits?
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while i go to my luxury estate in Needles. I wonder how often "luxury" and "Needles" are used in the same sentence. Champagne and feather-toys…. Does this relate the the sexy lingerie under the business suits?
Now, is a lady supposed to tell such things??? 
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I hear you ML. My earlier suggestions still stand. I hate to say it but feel that I must. You opinion was/is appreciated. I do, however, feel there are other options to explore. The grass doesn’t always get greener on the other side –
Yes, the grass is indeed greener back East. Go check it out sometime, if you don’t believe me.
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be. Oh well, my next vacation will be in Jan. Jan? I thought her name was Linda.
Didn’t you know that "Jan" is one of the abbrevs of "Linda?" "Lin" wouldn’t work out too well, her middle name is Lynn.
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transfer from what to what???? Jan 2004? that’s not too far off.
I live in OK, I grew up in NY. And Linda lives 5 miles from where I grew up. I work at Pepsi Cola, been there 25 years. I put in for a transfer to a plant in western NY. PBG just bought the one in Olean, that would be just about perfect. Mom told me I could move back if things didn’t work out. Though I think the statute of limitations has been exceeded. Going back home was always part of the plan when I got divorced. Of course my ex wasn’t too thrilled that part of my plan on moving back was to get rid of her first. Yeah, January 2004. It may not sound like its too far away, but I won’t be seeing Linda again until then. It feels like a very… very… long time. 
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You’d better get a handle on that!
I had a handle on life and it broke.
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Don’t EVER do something major with your life under the ASSumption that something is going to happen soon.
Good point … best never to work under any assumption; especially if it’s big. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Wait until it happens first before you do the something major. Big lesson, important one. I agree. What brings this on? just a stupid mistake i made. I’m feeling the worst anxiety i think i’ve ever felt. All the unresolved things seem to have piled up with the new things. Do you suffer from anxiety alot? I always have, but was always able to handle it. Until a couple years ago, that is. Now, it blows up into full blown panic attacks from time to time. I’ve even taken myself to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack. It’s scary, I know. But, that’s probably different from what you’re saying.
Sorry to hear that Dave. Do u have a counselor? There are meds out there, just for those times (unlike an AD that u have to take all the time). I guess we all react differently to stress … I use to deal with it well; though post-divorce I definitely had problems; though I would react by just ignoring the source of stress and get depressed. This is not healthy; especially if it was bill collectors I was ignoring!? I would never ignore the post-divorce damage control concerning my children (that was seemingly endless); but it would throw me through loops of depression. Yes, but it seems to be in relation to circumstances and not generalized. The fire thing we just had is getting to me. I just realized what it was and that it was real and not some dream or something. I just spoke w/a counselor and i told her it feels like the same feeling i had after the school shooting at my boy’s school when the reality of it sets in that it really did happen. Different from "regular" anxiety. I’m trying to get an appointment somewhere, anywhere. It’s hard to explain, i’m not feeling suicidal or self-destructive, but i want to be asleep and not wake up.
That last part is a classic depression symptom. Sometimes with big stressful or shocking happenings we put our best face forward; and not until later, when we have a chance to think about it, does the full impact of it all come forward. U pretty much described that above; It’s pretty normal to experience a lag inbetween the event and full-reaction. Hope u can get an appointment. It always helps to just be able to talk about it. If I was online more – I would offer to talk; one of these days they’ll get the rest of that cable run; and I’ll have highspeed-fulltime connect – ahhh – dream on. I can see a very clear cause and effect; when it comes to my post-divorce depression and stress. In retrospect, I can also see where I had some seasonal depression pre-divorce. But it became very pronounced after. Some have dealt with symptoms all their life. It may not be so clearly cause and effect. — billbo Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
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Some have dealt with symptoms all their life. It may not be so clearly cause and effect.
I’ve known people who tend to be depressed or have anxiety for "no reason" that they can identify. When it’s generalized like that, it must be very difficult to deal with and work through. I guess i’ve been a lucky one in a way becuz for me it’s always been as a result of a particular event or circumstance. When you think you’re going crazy and then you go to a therapist and they say "of course you feel this way, you have XXXXX going on in your life, it’s perfectly normal to react this way" then you feel quite a bit better already.
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Hey, ml…..you have my email address if you need to "chat". Denise – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Don’t EVER do something major with your life under the ASSumption that something is going to happen soon. Wait until it happens first before you do the something major. Big lesson, important one. I agree. What brings this on? just a stupid mistake i made. I’m feeling the worst anxiety i think i’ve ever felt. All the unresolved things seem to have piled up with the new things.
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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Don’t EVER do something major with your life under the ASSumption that something is going to happen soon. Wait until it happens first before you do the something major. Big lesson, important one. I agree. What brings this on? just a stupid mistake i made. I’m feeling the worst anxiety i think i’ve ever felt. All the unresolved things seem to have piled up with the new things. Do you suffer from anxiety alot? I always have, but was always able to handle it. Until a couple years ago, that is. Now, it blows up into full blown panic attacks from time to time. I’ve even taken myself to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack. It’s scary, I know. But, that’s probably different from what you’re saying.
Yes, but it seems to be in relation to circumstances and not generalized. The fire thing we just had is getting to me. I just realized what it was and that it was real and not some dream or something. I just spoke w/a counselor and i told her it feels like the same feeling i had after the school shooting at my boy’s school when the reality of it sets in that it really did happen. Different from "regular" anxiety. I’m trying to get an appointment somewhere, anywhere. It’s hard to explain, i’m not feeling suicidal or self-destructive, but i want to be asleep and not wake up.
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regular anxiety, to me, is like when my son announced suddenly moving across the country or when my mom died and came back in the hospital. Maybe becuz those are a different type of event. I don’t know.
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It’s hard to explain, i’m not feeling suicidal or self-destructive, but i want to be asleep and not wake up.
It sounds like your stress level is just maxed out – and so on some level you are just protecting yourself from any more. Could that be it? At any rate, I hope things level out for you soon. I wish you well – you are a special person, you know. Joy
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Don’t EVER do something major with your life under the ASSumption that something is going to happen soon. Wait until it happens first before you do the something major. Big lesson, important one.
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Don’t EVER do something major with your life under the ASSumption that something is going to happen soon. Wait until it happens first before you do the something major. Big lesson, important one.
I agree. What brings this on?
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Don’t EVER do something major with your life under the ASSumption that something is going to happen soon. Wait until it happens first before you do the something major. Big lesson, important one. I agree. What brings this on?
just a stupid mistake i made. I’m feeling the worst anxiety i think i’ve ever felt. All the unresolved things seem to have piled up with the new things.
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Don’t EVER do something major with your life under the ASSumption that something is going to happen soon. Wait until it happens first before you do the something major. Big lesson, important one. I agree. What brings this on? just a stupid mistake i made. I’m feeling the worst anxiety i think i’ve ever felt. All the unresolved things seem to have piled up with the new things.
Do you suffer from anxiety alot? I always have, but was always able to handle it. Until a couple years ago, that is. Now, it blows up into full blown panic attacks from time to time. I’ve even taken myself to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack. It’s scary, I know. But, that’s probably different from what you’re saying.
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