Raw nerves
Question:
Hi Deirdre, I believe you coped with your anxiety through anger. It is not so unusual. Sometimes things bottle up and explode when least expected. Take care, Meryl – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi everyone, As you may remember, I don’t go out of the house much. It’s been that way for a few years. Today something happened that drove home to me how vital it is that I change my life in this regard, because it seems I’ve lost my emotional callouses. You know, the things you do/think automatically that stop you from overreacting to things that strangers do. I have got to get re-socialized somehow. I was bringing Mom home from a doctor appointment and a guy honked his horn at me because I slowed down to look for oncoming traffic before I turned. It seems to me that the worst thing a healthy person might do is honk back. I went completely ballistic. I raised the middle finger and screamed out the window that he should do something to himself that is not possible for most men. My poor Mom kept telling me to calm down, to forget about it, but I just kept yelling at the guy. He sped past me and turned where I would be turning. I was headed for the post office, but when I saw him pull in there, and slam his door and stomp toward the building I just went on past. I felt sick to my stomach. My hands were shaking, I was sweating, my heart was pounding. I got home on some kind of mental auto-pilot. I kept apologizing to Mom but I was still angry and was even thinking about turning around and catching up with him to pound the crap out of him. I’m glad to report that I simply went home, helped Mom into the house, and went into my room to try to find distraction in the computer. I was determined to get through this without a Klonopin. I don’t know why — I just was. The only tool I could think of to use was distraction, and it helped some, but I was still obsessing about the incident. I decided I was feeling this way because I hadn’t had enough sleep last night (4 hours) so I lay down for a nap. I couldn’t even close my eyes because all the things I’ve ever done that I am still ashamed of kept coming up at me. I couldn’t stop these awful memories. I wanted to scream. I knew I had to do something physical, so I got up and gathered all the trash and took it to the dumpster. Maybe I thought it would symbolically cleanse my mind of ‘trash’ thoughts. I don’t know, but I felt compelled to do it. I still felt nauseated. I finally started to feel a little less stressed after I sat down and wrote all my thoughts as they came out, not stopping for spelling and so on. Anyway, I only ate a little supper, but it made me feel sick again. So here I am, two Klonopin working their way into my system. I shall soon be very calm. I wanted to share this with all of you for the usual reasons. Unpleasant things can and will happen if you isolate yourself to the point where you lose your automatic defense mechanisms, your automatic self-parenting talk, and you can lose control of your adult behavior. I’m grateful Mom was in the car with me. If I had been alone, I don’t know what would have happened, but it scares me to think about it. If anybody’s got a similar story, I’d love to hear from you. I still feel a little like a monster. Thanks for reading, Deirdre If you don’t really know Where you want to go It makes no difference Which road you take. — Neil Young ("We Never Danced") Every once in a while, I update my blog. Check it out, and if it’s been more than 2 weeks since I’ve written, please scold me. Thank you. http://home.earthlink.net/~deirdre1952/
– The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
Hey Dierdre, I must say, like Jackie, we are all human and sometimes we act like it!! I have had those moments and I am a very mild-mannered person but there is just a button that sometimes gets pushed that sends me over the edge. In fact, right this second, I feel so much anger against someone who sent me a link to another forum where this person said terrible things about me. I don’t know why he felt the need to do this. One reply he got about me was "Panic, that’s a bunch of crap." My blood is boiling and I have fired off and email to him. I know sometimes our senses are very strong and things just feel bigger than what they are. I once ripped a check up into a million pieces and threw it in a store manager’s face! I had run out of checks and went to the bank and got some with my account number on it but they didn’t have our name. Had the manager handled things differently, I would have been ok but he was very condascending and LOL my husband knows when to walk away and act like he doesn’t know me!! That was many years ago, before I had panic. Anyway, don’t beat yourself up about this. At least you didn’t act on your feelings. I hope you are feeling calmer now. It’s very irritating when people act like that guy on the road. Anyone would have reacted to it in some way. Take care, Vicki
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi everyone, As you may remember, I don’t go out of the house much. It’s been that way for a few years. Today something happened that drove home to me how vital it is that I change my life in this regard, because it seems I’ve lost my emotional callouses. You know, the things you do/think automatically that stop you from overreacting to things that strangers do. I have got to get re-socialized somehow. I was bringing Mom home from a doctor appointment and a guy honked his horn at me because I slowed down to look for oncoming traffic before I turned. It seems to me that the worst thing a healthy person might do is honk back. I went completely ballistic. I raised the middle finger and screamed out the window that he should do something to himself that is not possible for most men. My poor Mom kept telling me to calm down, to forget about it, but I just kept yelling at the guy. He sped past me and turned where I would be turning. I was headed for the post office, but when I saw him pull in there, and slam his door and stomp toward the building I just went on past. I felt sick to my stomach. My hands were shaking, I was sweating, my heart was pounding. I got home on some kind of mental auto-pilot. I kept apologizing to Mom but I was still angry and was even thinking about turning around and catching up with him to pound the crap out of him. I’m glad to report that I simply went home, helped Mom into the house, and went into my room to try to find distraction in the computer. I was determined to get through this without a Klonopin. I don’t know why — I just was. The only tool I could think of to use was distraction, and it helped some, but I was still obsessing about the incident. I decided I was feeling this way because I hadn’t had enough sleep last night (4 hours) so I lay down for a nap. I couldn’t even close my eyes because all the things I’ve ever done that I am still ashamed of kept coming up at me. I couldn’t stop these awful memories. I wanted to scream. I knew I had to do something physical, so I got up and gathered all the trash and took it to the dumpster. Maybe I thought it would symbolically cleanse my mind of ‘trash’ thoughts. I don’t know, but I felt compelled to do it. I still felt nauseated. I finally started to feel a little less stressed after I sat down and wrote all my thoughts as they came out, not stopping for spelling and so on. Anyway, I only ate a little supper, but it made me feel sick again. So here I am, two Klonopin working their way into my system. I shall soon be very calm. I wanted to share this with all of you for the usual reasons. Unpleasant things can and will happen if you isolate yourself to the point where you lose your automatic defense mechanisms, your automatic self-parenting talk, and you can lose control of your adult behavior. I’m grateful Mom was in the car with me. If I had been alone, I don’t know what would have happened, but it scares me to think about it. If anybody’s got a similar story, I’d love to hear from you. I still feel a little like a monster. Thanks for reading, Deirdre If you don’t really know Where you want to go It makes no difference Which road you take. – Neil Young ("We Never Danced") Every once in a while, I update my blog. Check it out, and if it’s been more than 2 weeks since I’ve written, please scold me. Thank you. http://home.earthlink.net/~deirdre1952/ — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
– The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi everyone, As you may remember, I don’t go out of the house much. It’s been that way for a few years. Today something happened that drove home to me how vital it is that I change my life in this regard, because it seems I’ve lost my emotional callouses. You know, the things you do/think automatically that stop you from overreacting to things that strangers do. I have got to get re-socialized somehow. I was bringing Mom home from a doctor appointment and a guy honked his horn at me because I slowed down to look for oncoming traffic before I turned. It seems to me that the worst thing a healthy person might do is honk back. I went completely ballistic. I raised the middle finger and screamed out the window that he should do something to himself that is not possible for most men. My poor Mom kept telling me to calm down, to forget about it, but I just kept yelling at the guy. He sped past me and turned where I would be turning. I was headed for the post office, but when I saw him pull in there, and slam his door and stomp toward the building I just went on past. I felt sick to my stomach. My hands were shaking, I was sweating, my heart was pounding. I got home on some kind of mental auto-pilot. I kept apologizing to Mom but I was still angry and was even thinking about turning around and catching up with him to pound the crap out of him. I’m glad to report that I simply went home, helped Mom into the house, and went into my room to try to find distraction in the computer. I was determined to get through this without a Klonopin. I don’t know why — I just was. The only tool I could think of to use was distraction, and it helped some, but I was still obsessing about the incident. I decided I was feeling this way because I hadn’t had enough sleep last night (4 hours) so I lay down for a nap. I couldn’t even close my eyes because all the things I’ve ever done that I am still ashamed of kept coming up at me. I couldn’t stop these awful memories. I wanted to scream. I knew I had to do something physical, so I got up and gathered all the trash and took it to the dumpster. Maybe I thought it would symbolically cleanse my mind of ‘trash’ thoughts. I don’t know, but I felt compelled to do it. I still felt nauseated. I finally started to feel a little less stressed after I sat down and wrote all my thoughts as they came out, not stopping for spelling and so on. Anyway, I only ate a little supper, but it made me feel sick again. So here I am, two Klonopin working their way into my system. I shall soon be very calm. I wanted to share this with all of you for the usual reasons. Unpleasant things can and will happen if you isolate yourself to the point where you lose your automatic defense mechanisms, your automatic self-parenting talk, and you can lose control of your adult behavior. I’m grateful Mom was in the car with me. If I had been alone, I don’t know what would have happened, but it scares me to think about it. If anybody’s got a similar story, I’d love to hear from you. I still feel a little like a monster. Thanks for reading, Deirdre If you don’t really know Where you want to go It makes no difference Which road you take. – Neil Young ("We Never Danced") Every once in a while, I update my blog. Check it out, and if it’s been more than 2 weeks since I’ve written, please scold me. Thank you. http://home.earthlink.net/~deirdre1952/
Deirdre, You are not a monster. Rage is a nasty beast, but I’m very familiar with it. I have quite a few stories like this, all related to driving for some reason. I have read that fear is anger turned inward, so I wonder if the opposite applies. Anger is that fear focused outward. I know when someone honks their horn at me, my first thought is something like "Hey, Dawn, you’re stupid, you’re doing something wrong here!" Then whatever self preservation I have kicks in, and since there’s a convenient person to blame/attack (the honker), they get it. Now, I know people honk for no reason at all, and you haven’t done anything wrong, but my instincts don’t process that information in the heat of the moment. I guess what I’m saying is, it’s attack them or attack myself, and them seems like a better option. I find that I’m really upset at myself, and that’s why the anger lasts so long. It’s disproportionate to the event. I wouldn’t be so sure it’s caused by isolation, although you know yourself best and yours may very well be. I can tell you that my sister is an almost constant rageaholic and she is definitely not isolated. Mine only comes out when I’m feeling particularly vulnerable, and seems to have dissipated here in Tucson where everyone is so courteous when they drive that I wonder if they haven’t been replaced with cyborgs 
. Example: one evening I was driving home in rush hour traffic. TWICE I was in line behind someone who missed the green light, and not one single person honked, including myself. It was like everyone just thought "Oh, we’re missing the light, oh well…" and went on singing Imagine to themselves. LOL. Weird. Anyway, please don’t beat yourself up (from the queen of that particular behavior). It doesn’t mean you are a monster, just human, and probably harder on yourself than you should be. I suspect that those of us who spend a lot of time being hard on ourselves occasionally need to vent, and driving seems like a safe place to do it because it’s anonymous and you’re in your car so you can drive away. ((((((((((((Deirdre))))))))))))) Love, Dawn — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
I was bringing Mom home from a doctor appointment and a guy honked his horn at me because I slowed down to look for oncoming traffic before I turned. It seems to me that the worst thing a healthy person might do is honk back. I went completely ballistic. I raised the middle finger and screamed out the window that he should do something to himself that is not possible for most men. My poor Mom kept telling me to calm down, to forget about it, but I just kept yelling at the guy. He sped past me and turned where I would be turning. I was headed for the post office, but when I saw him pull in there, and slam his door and stomp toward the building I just went on past.
<SNIP I saw my new therapist today and we talked about the incident and have decided to add anger management strategies to our work together. She helped me a great deal by helping me look at the situation in different ways. Since I catastrophized this thing, she had me try this: imagine what happened, and then make it as huge and crazy as I could to the point where it became funny. I did it, and it didn’t take long before I was laughing and felt relief. I thought I would share this with the group in case anyone can use this technique. Thanks again to everybody for the support and advice. Deirdre — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
::I saw my new therapist today and we talked about the incident and have ::decided to add anger management strategies to our work together. She helped ::me a great deal by helping me look at the situation in different ways. Since ::I catastrophized this thing, she had me try this: imagine what happened, and ::then make it as huge and crazy as I could to the point where it became ::funny. I did it, and it didn’t take long before I was laughing and felt ::relief. I thought I would share this with the group in case anyone can use ::this technique. Dear Deirdre, I`m glad you talked to your therapist about the incident. It`s always good to get someone else`s perspective. I like the technique she taught you. Great idea! Jackie ~*~Moving at the speed of life, we are bound to collide with each other~*~ — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
Dear Everyone, You all made excellent points and I am very grateful. I didn’t respond right away because I needed a day to get away from thinking about the incident and my reaction to it. (I did 7 loads of laundry and other useful normie things — I’m accepting accolades and chocolate now, if any of you…. <LOL) I have the feeling I didn’t communicate *exactly what I wanted to — no wonder, since I was definitely *not thinking straight. I’m going to try to clarify, for you and for myself. It wasn’t the *fact that I got mad that had me feeling so sick. It wasn’t the *fact that I flipped the finger and yelled. The two connected things that upset me so badly, to the point of feeling insane *and physically ill, were: 1. my feeling of anger was way out of proportion, and dangerously close to becoming violent — my adrenaline was pumping full steam ahead. 2. my reactive thoughts to #1: absolute terror at the idea that I could be so out of control, and all that could mean. The guy who honked didn’t freak me out. I freaked myself out. Or maybe my disorders freaked me out. Where do I draw the line between what is my responsibility and what should be blamed on the sickness? Or is that distinction unnecessary? I have thrashed that question to death for years. <sigh I over analyze things (for those of you who know about this: I have Sun-Moon-Mercury close together in Virgo). I think my de-socialization contributes to my behavior ‘out there’ — it can’t help but do that. I don’t think it *caused me to get mad, but it surely exacerbated it. I’m going to be going over all this with my therapist on Friday, you can be sure of that. Meantime, I’m feeling much better. The day away from it helped. Deirdre — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Dear Everyone, You all made excellent points and I am very grateful. I didn’t respond right away because I needed a day to get away from thinking about the incident and my reaction to it. (I did 7 loads of laundry and other useful normie things — I’m accepting accolades and chocolate now, if any of you…. <LOL) I have the feeling I didn’t communicate *exactly what I wanted to — no wonder, since I was definitely *not thinking straight. I’m going to try to clarify, for you and for myself. It wasn’t the *fact that I got mad that had me feeling so sick. It wasn’t the *fact that I flipped the finger and yelled. The two connected things that upset me so badly, to the point of feeling insane *and physically ill, were: 1. my feeling of anger was way out of proportion, and dangerously close to becoming violent — my adrenaline was pumping full steam ahead.
If you find an answer to this, I would like it too please. The best that I have been able to figure is that this kind of reaction is some kind of defence mechanism that is either "on" or "off" with little in between. (fight or flight…and I always fight) 2. my reactive thoughts to #1: absolute terror at the idea that I could be so out of control, and all that could mean.
You get this shortly after the episode has subsided, right? I mostly get a case of the "shakes" and then feel completely drained emotionally. The guy who honked didn’t freak me out. I freaked myself out. Or maybe my disorders freaked me out. Where do I draw the line between what is my responsibility and what should be blamed on the sickness? Or is that distinction unnecessary? I have thrashed that question to death for years. <sigh I over analyze things (for those of you who know about this: I have Sun-Moon-Mercury close together in Virgo).
Good questions. The problem is that the situations that trigger this response type come upon us too quickly to formulate a plan to handle them on the spot. The one thing that has helped me situations where I know I could lose it (for example return counters at stores) is to tell myself to just remain calm it doesn’t matter that much. I however have not found a way to handle situations where I am blind-sided. I think my de-socialization contributes to my behavior ‘out there’ — it can’t help but do that. I don’t think it *caused me to get mad, but it surely exacerbated it. I’m going to be going over all this with my therapist on Friday, you can be sure of that. Meantime, I’m feeling much better. The day away from it helped. Deirdre
I don’t know about de-socialization and its effects in this regard. Your therapist may be able to help you and it is a good idea to bring it up in your next session. Time does heal doesn’t it. (((((((((((Deirdre))))))))))) — Ron P If you are in a hole and can’t get out. The first thing to do is to stop digging!! — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
Hi everyone, As you may remember, I don’t go out of the house much. It’s been that way for a few years. Today something happened that drove home to me how vital it is that I change my life in this regard, because it seems I’ve lost my emotional callouses. You know, the things you do/think automatically that stop you from overreacting to things that strangers do. I have got to get re-socialized somehow. I was bringing Mom home from a doctor appointment and a guy honked his horn at me because I slowed down to look for oncoming traffic before I turned. It seems to me that the worst thing a healthy person might do is honk back. I went completely ballistic. I raised the middle finger and screamed out the window that he should do something to himself that is not possible for most men. My poor Mom kept telling me to calm down, to forget about it, but I just kept yelling at the guy. He sped past me and turned where I would be turning. I was headed for the post office, but when I saw him pull in there, and slam his door and stomp toward the building I just went on past. I felt sick to my stomach. My hands were shaking, I was sweating, my heart was pounding. I got home on some kind of mental auto-pilot. I kept apologizing to Mom but I was still angry and was even thinking about turning around and catching up with him to pound the crap out of him. I’m glad to report that I simply went home, helped Mom into the house, and went into my room to try to find distraction in the computer. I was determined to get through this without a Klonopin. I don’t know why — I just was. The only tool I could think of to use was distraction, and it helped some, but I was still obsessing about the incident. I decided I was feeling this way because I hadn’t had enough sleep last night (4 hours) so I lay down for a nap. I couldn’t even close my eyes because all the things I’ve ever done that I am still ashamed of kept coming up at me. I couldn’t stop these awful memories. I wanted to scream. I knew I had to do something physical, so I got up and gathered all the trash and took it to the dumpster. Maybe I thought it would symbolically cleanse my mind of ‘trash’ thoughts. I don’t know, but I felt compelled to do it. I still felt nauseated. I finally started to feel a little less stressed after I sat down and wrote all my thoughts as they came out, not stopping for spelling and so on. Anyway, I only ate a little supper, but it made me feel sick again. So here I am, two Klonopin working their way into my system. I shall soon be very calm. I wanted to share this with all of you for the usual reasons. Unpleasant things can and will happen if you isolate yourself to the point where you lose your automatic defense mechanisms, your automatic self-parenting talk, and you can lose control of your adult behavior. I’m grateful Mom was in the car with me. If I had been alone, I don’t know what would have happened, but it scares me to think about it. If anybody’s got a similar story, I’d love to hear from you. I still feel a little like a monster. Thanks for reading, Deirdre If you don’t really know Where you want to go It makes no difference Which road you take. – Neil Young ("We Never Danced") Every once in a while, I update my blog. Check it out, and if it’s been more than 2 weeks since I’ve written, please scold me. Thank you. http://home.earthlink.net/~deirdre1952/ — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
<Very gently snipped ::I wanted to share this with all of you for the usual reasons. Unpleasant ::things can and will happen if you isolate yourself to the point where you ::lose your automatic defense mechanisms, your automatic self-parenting talk, ::and you can lose control of your adult behavior. :: ::I’m grateful Mom was in the car with me. If I had been alone, I don’t know ::what would have happened, but it scares me to think about it. :: ::If anybody’s got a similar story, I’d love to hear from you. I still feel a ::little like a monster. Dear Deirdre, You are not a monster, not even close! You ~are~ a human being who has been dealing with a lot of shit the last few years. Anyone would be feeling overwhelmed, angry, isolated and scared. It builds up after awhile and comes out when you least expect it or want it. It takes a lot of courage and strength to want to examine…. and change why this happened in the first place. Most people that road rage will justify what they did. I don`t hear that from you at all. I urge you to discuss this with your pdoc and/or therapist. I know you are on prozac and wellbutrin. I have heard of isolated cases of people angrily acting out while on these antidepressants. It seems that this reaction was very out of character for you. It`s important to make sure your meds didn`t play a part in this. It`s just a good idea anyways to discuss this incident with a professional. I`ll share my story just for you It was one week post-partum after having my daughter Katie. I was sent home with extremely high blood pressure. I`m talking 180/120. I had pre-eclampsia. I was terrified I was going to drop dead of a stroke. The doctor would not give me any meds because I was breast-feeding. Throw in some sleepless nights, a cranky newborn, raging hormones, leaking breasts, ficking itchy episiotomy… and a husband who just bought a car behind my back when there was no money for one…….all of this stress spawned mega-super-bitch from hell. When my husband told me he bought that car, I reached for a ceramic canister and aimed for his head. Thank god I`ve never been able to throw to save my life. The canister shattered against the cabinet into a millions pieces which sent my husband scurrying into the like one sometimes I hope you don`t beat yourself up anymore over this. Learn from it, and heed the message this incident is trying to give you. It`s a warning that something has to change in your life. (((((Deirdre))))) Jackie ~*~You think you know who you are. You have no idea~*~ — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi everyone, As you may remember, I don’t go out of the house much. It’s been that way for a few years. Today something happened that drove home to me how vital it is that I change my life in this regard, because it seems I’ve lost my emotional callouses. You know, the things you do/think automatically that stop you from overreacting to things that strangers do. I have got to get re-socialized somehow. I was bringing Mom home from a doctor appointment and a guy honked his horn at me because I slowed down to look for oncoming traffic before I turned. It seems to me that the worst thing a healthy person might do is honk back. I went completely ballistic. I raised the middle finger and screamed out the window that he should do something to himself that is not possible for most men. My poor Mom kept telling me to calm down, to forget about it, but I just kept yelling at the guy. He sped past me and turned where I would be turning. I was headed for the post office, but when I saw him pull in there, and slam his door and stomp toward the building I just went on past. I felt sick to my stomach. My hands were shaking, I was sweating, my heart was pounding. I got home on some kind of mental auto-pilot. I kept apologizing to Mom but I was still angry and was even thinking about turning around and catching up with him to pound the crap out of him. I’m glad to report that I simply went home, helped Mom into the house, and went into my room to try to find distraction in the computer. I was determined to get through this without a Klonopin. I don’t know why — I just was. The only tool I could think of to use was distraction, and it helped some, but I was still obsessing about the incident. I decided I was feeling this way because I hadn’t had enough sleep last night (4 hours) so I lay down for a nap. I couldn’t even close my eyes because all the things I’ve ever done that I am still ashamed of kept coming up at me. I couldn’t stop these awful memories. I wanted to scream. I knew I had to do something physical, so I got up and gathered all the trash and took it to the dumpster. Maybe I thought it would symbolically cleanse my mind of ‘trash’ thoughts. I don’t know, but I felt compelled to do it. I still felt nauseated. I finally started to feel a little less stressed after I sat down and wrote all my thoughts as they came out, not stopping for spelling and so on. Anyway, I only ate a little supper, but it made me feel sick again. So here I am, two Klonopin working their way into my system. I shall soon be very calm. I wanted to share this with all of you for the usual reasons. Unpleasant things can and will happen if you isolate yourself to the point where you lose your automatic defense mechanisms, your automatic self-parenting talk, and you can lose control of your adult behavior. I’m grateful Mom was in the car with me. If I had been alone, I don’t know what would have happened, but it scares me to think about it. If anybody’s got a similar story, I’d love to hear from you. I still feel a little like a monster. Thanks for reading, Deirdre If you don’t really know Where you want to go It makes no difference Which road you take. – Neil Young ("We Never Danced") Every once in a while, I update my blog. Check it out, and if it’s been more than 2 weeks since I’ve written, please scold me. Thank you. http://home.earthlink.net/~deirdre1952/
Deirdre, In the past, I’ve been prone to road rage too. I am an extremely nervous driver, and get excited and mad easily. Anymore, I don’t do it so much, after hearing so many stories about people being shot and stuff for things like flipping people off, etc. I’m sorry that incident upset you so much. People in cars can be so infuriating. I’m the same way when I get upset, it takes me a long time to come down from it. I’m glad the Klonopin helped, when you finally took it. S*** happens. Blow it off. Don’t go into the catastrophic thinking and and start piling on every bad thing you’ve ever done. It was just a bad scene, you lived through it. Some people are A*******, and that’s just a fact of life. Sometimes they cross your path and ruin your day. Today’s a new day, you ought to make yourself get out of the house and do something that makes you happy. Go buy a pint of your favorite ice cream. Have a friendly conversation with a stranger in line. Not everyone out there is a jerk. If you fall off the horse, get right back on!! ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((D))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Sally — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
Stuff happens Deirdre, don’t let it get you down. That guy will forget about it and so should you. Try to have a good day Deirdre. — there is no .sig
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi everyone, As you may remember, I don’t go out of the house much. It’s been that way for a few years. Today something happened that drove home to me how vital it is that I change my life in this regard, because it seems I’ve lost my emotional callouses. You know, the things you do/think automatically that stop you from overreacting to things that strangers do. I have got to get re-socialized somehow. I was bringing Mom home from a doctor appointment and a guy honked his horn at me because I slowed down to look for oncoming traffic before I turned. It seems to me that the worst thing a healthy person might do is honk back. I went completely ballistic. I raised the middle finger and screamed out the window that he should do something to himself that is not possible for most men. My poor Mom kept telling me to calm down, to forget about it, but I just kept yelling at the guy. He sped past me and turned where I would be turning. I was headed for the post office, but when I saw him pull in there, and slam his door and stomp toward the building I just went on past. I felt sick to my stomach. My hands were shaking, I was sweating, my heart was pounding. I got home on some kind of mental auto-pilot. I kept apologizing to Mom but I was still angry and was even thinking about turning around and catching up with him to pound the crap out of him. I’m glad to report that I simply went home, helped Mom into the house, and went into my room to try to find distraction in the computer. I was determined to get through this without a Klonopin. I don’t know why — I just was. The only tool I could think of to use was distraction, and it helped some, but I was still obsessing about the incident. I decided I was feeling this way because I hadn’t had enough sleep last night (4 hours) so I lay down for a nap. I couldn’t even close my eyes because all the things I’ve ever done that I am still ashamed of kept coming up at me. I couldn’t stop these awful memories. I wanted to scream. I knew I had to do something physical, so I got up and gathered all the trash and took it to the dumpster. Maybe I thought it would symbolically cleanse my mind of ‘trash’ thoughts. I don’t know, but I felt compelled to do it. I still felt nauseated. I finally started to feel a little less stressed after I sat down and wrote all my thoughts as they came out, not stopping for spelling and so on. Anyway, I only ate a little supper, but it made me feel sick again. So here I am, two Klonopin working their way into my system. I shall soon be very calm. I wanted to share this with all of you for the usual reasons. Unpleasant things can and will happen if you isolate yourself to the point where you lose your automatic defense mechanisms, your automatic self-parenting talk, and you can lose control of your adult behavior. I’m grateful Mom was in the car with me. If I had been alone, I don’t know what would have happened, but it scares me to think about it. If anybody’s got a similar story, I’d love to hear from you. I still feel a little like a monster. Thanks for reading, Deirdre If you don’t really know Where you want to go It makes no difference Which road you take. — Neil Young ("We Never Danced") Every once in a while, I update my blog. Check it out, and if it’s been more than 2 weeks since I’ve written, please scold me. Thank you. http://home.earthlink.net/~deirdre1952/ — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
– The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
